As I lift my head and say a silent prayer I hope beyond hope that God is listening. I’m not very religious and definitely only go to mass when it’s expected – Christmas, weddings, funerals – that’s a minor detail though. I know God is listening now to me because there is no way that he’d leave me feeling this way. So I close my eyes and beg, pray, ask, hope that today is my last day on earth and tomorrow I will not wake up.
It’s not because I have a horrendous life, actually quite the opposite. I’m married to my husband of 9 years and have two beautiful girls. Both parents are still alive and well and as for my in-laws, I couldn’t hand pick better ones. That’s not even touching off my numerous kick ass friends.
So why am I asking God to not allow me to wake up tomorrow or should I say why am I begging him? It’s because I’m ill physically and mentally, you just can’t see it. To me it’s the invisible illness. It’s a little old thing called depression.
It has crippled me to the very core of by being. The only thing that made it worse was I decided to not speak up. This mightn’t seem too unusual as people do keep certain parts of their life private but for me it was because I was an open book. If you knew me either as a friend or an acquaintance the chances are you knew everything about me because I love to talk. Just ask my poor husband! Yet, this so called illness had me cowering in the corner unable to breathe. Nobody in my family or circle of friends knew my struggle and when I look back now I can’t say there was one reason why I didn’t tell them, there were multiple reasons. Shame, guilt, pain, mostly I think it was because I couldn’t understand it so how could I expect them to?
Until eventually I had no choice.
Depression decided my fate. It had gotten so bad I lived in a state of pain constantly. I’ve often said the crying and sadness was the easy part. It’s the tiredness, the physical pain that makes it hard to breathe, that feels like you’ve been in a fight with Mike Tyson – that part was the cruellest.
Every morning I would open my eyes and my whole body would ache from the inside out, like a really bad flu. To get out of the bed and go to the bathroom took every ounce of strength I had, even just to move my body. Yet here I was at home waking up to get my two beautiful girls ready for school and playschool. I lived on Redbull, anything that could give me the energy to bring them to school. As soon as they were gone I would climb back into bed and sleep until it was time to pick them up. Eventually I couldn’t do it anymore. I was literally dying from the inside out. My body was shutting down on me. I honestly can place my hand on my heart and tell you I felt like I was dying.
I eventually went to my doctor to tell him how bad I felt and he informed me that hospital was the only option so then I had to tell my family the full blown extent of my illness. They were very supportive but be under no illusion they didn’t fully know how to deal with this. Jennifer the bubbly, outgoing chatterbox was a shell or even now just a shadow of herself. While they knew at this stage that I was depressed I still hid the full extent of it from them. I felt there was no point in worrying them for nothing.
That was until I went to St John Of God’s for a 5 week stay. I can’t go on with my story without saying what an amazing job they did if only I had been willing to let my real face show, I could have gotten the best treatment out there. They helped me more than anything and made me realise unfortunately how common this really is. Looking back now though I didn’t really let my full pain out. Here I was 33 years of age, actually 34 (I celebrated my birthday there!) acting, because I feared what would become of me if I showed my true pain. Would I have to stay indefinitely in hospital, would they lock me up and throw away the key? NO!NO!NO! On every count but depression plays the cruellest tricks on you. I honestly felt that this was it for me, that I would never laugh from the pit of my stomach ever again. Silly and sad but nothing quiet grips you like shame does.
Here was my beautiful family so grateful for the treatment I had received, happy that I was happy and trust me I was so much better in so many ways but depression wasn’t ready to leave me just yet. When it started creeping back into my life, it was slow at first, nearly too slow for me to notice. I don’t know if I was ignoring it or just oblivious to it but it came back with a bang. I felt lower than I had ever done in my life. What now? I’d being to hospital, I’d left my beautiful husband and kids to get better, I couldn’t tell them it was back. That was too much for me to bare. So less than 6 months after I got out I tried to take my own life. Luckily my husband found me before I could do any real damage and called an ambulance. When I woke in hospital seeing my husband and father looking over me crying was heart-breaking. In the depths of my depression I had convinced myself they would be better off without me and my old friend depression convinced me I was right in my thinking.
Only then after that failed did I really start admitting to myself how truly sick I was. By thinking I was protecting the ones I love all I was doing was blocking them out. It was a journey for us, not always easy for any of us but this time we had each other.
I would love to finish this by saying that there is one magic cure. Wouldn’t that be the fairy tale ending we read about in books? There isn’t one cure, but there are many ways to help get through the darkness. I have tried Reiki, Acupuncture, Massage, Reflexology, and they’ve all helped along with my medication but this is my reality and always will be, while I am doing great now. I have depression, I always will but I’ve made friends with it. I certainly didn’t want to be friends, I didn’t even want to acknowledge it but in the end the two of us have to live together in harmony otherwise it will come knocking back on my door for a visit.
The fear, yeah that doesn’t fully ever leave you, the scars nah they don’t ever leave either but the hope and love and acceptance, they will win out in the end. I truly believe that. So please if you feel alone, afraid, lost or are struggling reach out to somebody because trust me, your family and friends love you more than you could ever know or feel, and want to help you. I can now say I have found my voice. It has taken time and that’s okay. All of your friends and family might not have the answers and they might not fully understand but that’s okay too. As long as you understand it and accept it you can teach them.
I found writing how I felt, getting outside and taking a deep breath and walking (even for 10 mins) helped me. The biggest thing for me which I still don’t do as much as I should is gratitude. I know it probably sounds very American but as I walk or lie in bed in the morning I say ‘Thank you for……..’. If on that particular day the bigger picture is a bit blurred, that’s okay, it might be something small and I might struggle with it but I always try and say 3 things I am grateful for. Some days I could say 100.
What I know for sure is that I am so grateful that I am alive, and I’ve come out the other side. So please do not give up on yourself. You are too much of an amazing human being to not be on this earth. Remember it really is okay not to be okay.
Much love x x x x
If you or someone you love is feeling suicidal please contact:
- Feeling suicidal? – samaritans.org
- Pieta House: Suicide and Self Harm Crisis Centre – pieta.ie
- Suicide is not the way – suicideorsurvive.ie
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