My struggles with my mind and my anxiety is not well documented. For the longest of times, I did everything I could to hide it from both myself, as well as from the people closest to me. I am fairly smiley-and-wavey and lighthearted by nature, which made it easy for me to mask it. I branded my continuous running away as an “adventurous spirit”, to the point where neither I nor anybody else thought much of it. It took me years to learn that being chased by your thoughts is not the same as being a “restless soul”, as I used to think of myself.
Though I was aware that things weren’t quite right, I could not pinpoint exactly what was wrong. My mental struggles keep moving and changing and have shape-shifted continuously over the years into various physical and mental forms. The very thought of saying any of the above out loud was a panic attack waiting to happen. I could paint my desires to keep my struggles quiet and internal as cultural, my personality, societal, or a million other things, perhaps in some way or another they all have an element of the truth to them. Outside of my two closest friends, I did not let anybody in on the challenges I was experiencing. Despite all their encouragement, my fears and confusion over what I was experiencing caused me severe mental paralyses. I really wanted to get help. I just did not know what I needed help with.
More than anything, I had this deep-rooted belief that if I were to be open and honest about these scary clowns hiding in every corner of my mind, it would devalue my worth, and I would lose the people closest to me. Nobody wants to spend time with the kid with problems, especially if you can’t properly explain what they are. I could not envision a version of the future where I expose these secrets, and people would look at me in the same way. Who would stick around and endure through all the panic attacks and sleepless nights and irrational fears and days where my mind raced so fast, Usain Bolt would have to settle for silver.
Enter Taylor Swift. In the name of full disclosure, I have always been an official Swifty. She is undoubtedly going to be the love interest when Netflix decides to make a based-on-a-true-story drama about my life (currently fictitious). I’ve always been envious of how she can express and explain herself through her words and her guitar. She can turn a phrase and write a one-liner like very few can.
Back to the point of my story, during the second half of 2019 I first heard the Taylor Swift line that would change things around for me. It is potentially out of context, and when I sing along, definitely out of tune, but I will never forget it.
“I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you”
It took Taylor Swift to explain to me why I was suffering in silence. I am sure that deep down I knew this, but this line of Taylor stuck with me. It simplified the essence of why I was truly afraid to speak up; why I didn’t allow the people who love me and care about me to take on this battle with me. Taylor’s lyrical elegance and vulnerability connected the dots for me. It was time to trust my people. It was time to pull the plug and hope that they see more in me than I did. It was time to trust that the full version of me is worth sticking around for.
Clearly, I was inexperienced in the daunting act of trust, but with Taylor in my corner and one baby-step at a time I started trusting the people in my life. I decided to be as open about my challenges as I can, without flooding people with details. I picked my people, and depending on the closeness of our relationship, started speaking up. In an unexpected twist, I learned that the more I value someone in my life, the more transparent I could be with them without feeling like I am risking our relationship.
A big and unexpected gift that I got from the truth of Taylor’s words, is that me being open about my struggles made me more, rather than less. Assuming for years and years that the unfiltered version of me is a pathetic version of the one that people knew, turned out to be one massive lie. I did not anticipate that my new sense of honesty and transparency allowed other people to approach me with a similar vulnerability and openness. They felt comfortable to share the battles they are fighting in a way I know they could not have done if I didn’t blink first in this game of chicken. It made me a better friend and it made me a more compassionate person. It made me understand that being supportive and helpful to other people is not about answers or solutions. It is about hugs. It is about checking in. It is about showing up. And it is about love and genuine care.
Exposing my most real and severe flaws made me more, rather than less. Nobody left me and nobody ran for the woods. I can unconditionally say that every relationship I truly value in my life is stronger for it.
So Taylor was right all along. I didn’t want to keep secrets just to keep you. Turns out it was never necessary to start with.
Support Our Campaign
We rely on the generosity of the public to fund our work and so far together we have achieved great things! Please do continue to support us so we can provide future generations in Ireland with the resources to recognise and talk about their emotions, and equip them to navigate the ever-changing world around them as they grow
