The circle of trust

The “Circle of Trust” is a phrase many people will associate with the film Meet the Fockers but I’ve come to realise it is not just a term from a comedy film but a belief system that when broken or damaged leads to a pattern of destructive behaviour and a falsified opinion of the wider world.

I have had a ‘fix it myself’ attitude since I was a young child. I wouldn’t ask for help at school or as an adolescent negotiating the rigours of youth. That pattern of behaviour followed me into my adult life. I told myself I was strong and independent; I didn’t need anyone. I could find a solution myself. In most instances, I’ve managed to do that, but at what cost? Asking for help or assistance invoked feelings of shame, anxiety, and ineptitude. It’s only recently I have come to accept that this behaviour and its associated feelings are a response to trauma; being let down repeatedly and coming to the incorrect conclusion that asking for help is opening a gateway to disappointment and stress. To ask for assistance is to be weak or incompetent, or so I told myself.

I would spend hours, days, weeks or even months agonising over decisions when I should have just sought advice. I shudder to think how much time I have lost trying to find a solution to a problem when the answer was a phone call away if I had just been trusting enough to dial the number. Beyond just losing time hyper-independence is a lonely, frustrating, and isolating place. The great irony is that the anxiety saved from placing trust is simply replaced by consternation over finding a required solution.

To be able to trust when you have been let down and to break the habit of a lifetime is a huge challenge but as with many psychological challenges, we face admitting there is a problem is often the most difficult and yet important step. As I try to break these negative patterns of behaviour and heal from past traumas, I have come to realise that ‘The Circle of Trust’ starts and ends with trusting yourself. To be able to entrust our physical, mental, or spiritual wellbeing to another human being we need to be able to have faith in ourselves to make the correct choices around who and who is not worthy of that belief. I have come to accept that I did not lose faith in people or humanity, I lost faith and trust in myself to reach out to the right people when I needed advice or assistance.

So how do you break the habit of a lifetime and heal that trauma? The full answer to that question is yet to be fully learned but I believe it starts with listening to my gut instincts. At my core and if I am brutally honest with myself, I always knew that the people who let me down in the past would do exactly that. Not necessarily maliciously or intentionally but I was aligning myself with people who were battling their own demons and living a chaotic life as a result of their own emotional issues. By choosing these partners I was simply reinforcing my own ego-driven belief that everyone is inherently untrustworthy. They are not, far from it in fact. As my confidence grows – I write these words realising this article itself is symbolic of that growth – I find myself becoming far more comfortable in reaching out and asking for help or placing my trust in another person.

Just like every other learned behaviour mistrust can be unlearned. It requires us to step out of our comfort zone, to leave our perceived world of independent safety and place our faith in those around us. The fact is that if we do not our ‘independent safety’ will become a cage in which we entomb ourselves. Whilst being self-reliant and resourceful are admirable qualities in many respects like so many aspects of mental health and life in general they need to be balanced. In this case with the ability to ask for help and place trust when necessary and healthy to do so.

Trusting my instincts and ultimately myself enables me to trust others. In trusting others, I open myself up to personal growth, to self-esteem, to confidence, to inner strength. As I learn to heal past traumas and correct damaging behaviours, I find myself attracting warm, inspiring, and open people into my life. I am far from the end of my journey when it comes to repairing my circle but as each day passes, I can feel my circle of trust become less of a cage and much more a sphere of warmth, positivity, and faith where trust is both given and received.

Ultimately the only person who can exclude us from the circle of trust is ourselves. It begins and ends with me and you as individuals. In a world where terms like ‘social distancing’ and ‘self-isolating’ have become the norm, self-exclusion is unnecessary and avoidable if we heal and trust. We could all benefit from those both now and in the future.