“The Blue Inhaler”

I still remember the day that we first started our journey. It was a winter’s evening in early January. I had to escape the toxicity of city life’. I needed a moment away from the fake smiling, laughing and the facade of happiness. “So glad you’re here”, said a voice in the distance. I sat on an old wooden bench looking out onto the quay, the cold air filling my lungs. I lit up a cigarette, placing it between my lips and inhaled deeply. Something to take the pain away. I looked up at the sky and saw one star shining so brightly the others almost disappeared. I began to hear a familiar revving coming from my best friend’s old ‘Honda Civic’. “I knew I’d find you here!”, he hollered at me through the window, “Get in out of the cold you fool”.

Since I moved away from home, Ben was the only one who I could be around for long enough without wanting to kill somebody! He jumped out of the car and ran over to sit beside me on the freezing cold bench. With a little wheeze and a puff of his blue inhaler, he slapped the cigarette out of my mouth throwing it into the river. “You’ll end up worse than me if you keep them up!” he exclaimed. I laughed and lit up another. “They help me to relax, they’re my escape,” I said, knowing full well the damage I was doing to myself. “Escape!”, exclaimed Ben, “You have so much living to do, so many memories to make”, “the future’s uncertain…but that’s the fun of it!”. He grabbed my arm and ran towards the ‘banger’ he called a car. “Come on!” he called out. “We’re going on an adventure”.

He started up the car and eventually, the ignition began to roar. Driving down old country backroads where we used to play as ‘kids’, I began to gaze out the dusty old windows reminiscing on the good ‘aul’ days. The sky was dark and stars were stripped from the skies apart from one bright one which followed us with every turn we made. It was almost a total euphoria guiding us into the unknown. My journey down memory lane was interrupted by a comforting voice, “You alright bud?” With a sniffle, I dried the tear running down my cheek replying “Yeah I’m okay”. People are more sympathetic when they see you hurting. Unfortunately, my pain is one of the unknown, foreshadowing a loss just not knowing when.

We pulled up to a creek that Ben and I used to swim in during Summer. I started to reminisce on fond memories, swimming in those crystal-blue waters. Sometimes we just floated staring up at the sky filled with sunshine and fluffy white clouds, not a care in the world. I tried to contain my emotions but this time I couldn’t hold back the tears. My silent sobbing was met with the soft sounds of the rippling water and faded into the distance. We sat on the rocks and began to put the world to rights like two old grandads in the pub. “The problem with people today is that they forget it’s the little things that make the most difference, everybody is too busy rushing around and they forget there are places like this that make all your worries gently fade away”. His words seemed more poignant than usual and gave me a strange sort of comfort. With a wheeze and a puff of his blue inhaler, he pushed himself up off the rocks, grabbed my hand and we continued on our adventure.

The sun was beginning to rise as the morning crept upon us. The bright light blinded me as my eyes were raw from the sleepless night. As Ben handed me a pair of broken, fake ‘Gucci’ sunglasses from his glove box he told me, “all the great and precious moments fade away so fast and never return, focus on the good and try not to dwell on the bad”. We pulled up into a field where he definitely wasn’t allowed to park. Never in my life had I discovered a place filled with such beauty. Although it was winter, the field was still filled with bright flowers and trees and there was an ambience of tranquillity and solace in the air. I turned on the radio and to hear my favourite song, ‘Dreams’ by ‘The Cranberries’ playing. I turned it up to the last while me and Benji jammed to every word! Forgetting myself in a moment of euphoria, all my worries had faded away. Ben was right, it really is the little things in life! As the song came to an end Ben began to cough and sputter but with a puff of his inhaler, he was himself once again.

“Come on!”, Ben hollered at me, “I have one last place to show you”. We entered a green overgrown forest which despite it being winter, made me cry due to my hayfever, I promise it was my hayfever! The ancient trees towered over me like skyscrapers. I watched as squirrels began to scurry looking for acorns scattered amongst the decaying fallen leaves, still there since Autumn. We walked along the makeshift pathway until we reached a bridge overlooking my favourite creek. Its barriers resembled a metal gate which was covered in padlocks. Before I knew it Ben handed me a lock, “lock all your troubles away and you’ll never need to open it again”. We both locked them to the bridge and flung the keys into the creek beneath us.

As I heard the key ‘clink’ off the rocks I started to feel free as I walked back to Ben’s ‘banger’. We laid on the grass in the field and looked up at the sky. My eyes were now heavy and I was fighting the urge to sleep. As I began to drift into slumber, Ben whispered to me “The great thing about this life is you can be someone different to everyone, I know things can be hard sometimes and they will get harder but you must always stay positive no matter what”. It reminded me of a quote I read once, ‘Better keep yourself clean and bright because you are the window through which you see the world”. He looked at me and smiled with his cheeky smile and in his semi-lucid state muttered “I love you bro”, we soon fell asleep. When I woke up he had gone peacefully in his sleep, with that damn blue inhaler in his hand. It was the end of our adventure and my final goodbye.

As I stand at his graveside a year on from his passing I want to tell the world about our adventure and our journey into strange worlds. It wasn’t just a journey of exploration, it was a journey through grief and loss and finding solace in my final memories of him. I conquered this strange world of loss, had my final goodbye and finally gained some closure. Grief changes a person, as it did me. I’m no longer afraid to be happy and experience those things Ben will never be able to. My only fear is now one of losing out on making memories. Ben taught me how to explore and how to enjoy life. Through grief I learned you don’t have to climb a mountain to be on top of the world. Most importantly though, grief has taught me that it’s okay to get lost in this great big world, so long as you are able to make your way back home.