When I was 9 years of age, like any 9 year old, you would be out playing tip the can… or even with my Barbies at that age. For as long as I’ll live, I’ll never forget the day an old friend of my Dad’s came into the house and wanted to speak to my Mother we all had to go to our rooms to play. Time went by and the old friend left my family home and as I asked my Mam what was going on. Of course being the baby of the family she was not going to tell me. As hours went by and I could see how stressed and hurt my Mam was. This was not nice to see but as she gathered my siblings and I into the sitting room I dreaded hearing what was going to come out of her mouth.
“Your dad only has 13 hours to live”. My whole life crumbled. I was hurt, my heart was broken. I cried myself to sleep, and I still tend to do – it’s something that breaks my heart every day. I was the youngest, I was the baby, I was Daddy’s girl… and now this person was been taken away from me. The person who called me Lolo, the one I only allowed call me Lolo. My dad was an alcoholic – and that’s what he chose over his family over his baby girl.
As years went on I was stressed and ‘off the rails’ you could say, I never listened to anything I was told. I was badly behaved, I was hurting, I was lonely. I would see people with their fathers and crave the same – and ask myself, why me? I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to live. I was bullied for years. I was always slagged for been so tall, or not having the best of clothes on me, but this all came from people who had both parents.
I felt left out. I felt not wanted. I was put into counselling in school every day for 2 years. I sat and cried as it got deeper and as I got older it was harder to face. I felt like everything bad would only happen me and not anyone else. I had reached 17 and I could not get out of bed. I skipped school. I had no energy. I cried and cried. I didn’t love myself and I thought no one loved me. I thought no one will care if I go. I had recently lost two friends a year apart from suicide that absolutely crushed me. So one day came and I had reached my highest levels of feeling numb and not caring and not wanting to live.
Waking up in a hospital bed after trying to commit suicide. Looking around and seeing my whole family crying and thinking I was gone and they lost their little Sissy. I didn’t know why I would try escape my problems. I held onto my Mam for days. I was scared, I was alone, I was hurt.
But as weeks went by that I still felt drained from life, I could not move, rarely being able to walk into the shower. I locked myself away from the world until I lost my Nan at 20, and my heart crumbled – it was like that heart break all over again. I could never face it, nothing seemed real – I was ready to wake up from this dream I was in that shut me down completely. During all these times it was panic attacks … not being able to breathe, being anxious to walk outside my bedroom door – never mind the front door… going to work, travelling on public transport, I feared it, depression – I feared it.
I suffer with anxiety and depression. Every day was and is a battle. But now I’m 23 years old and yes, it’s hard to get that one foot out the bed or go do things with friends. No one would guess I’m that girl because I’m the one with the big grin on my face – but deep down no one knows what anyone goes through. I learn each day how to face it and I become closer each day it is a battle but I get there and I survive and I’m strong. And living with mental health – it’s a part of who I am.
Always be nice to people you never know what anyone is facing ❤
Thank you
Lolo
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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