You are never alone, no matter how lonely you feel

When 2020 came to a close, I was going through one of the most difficult periods of my life. Not only were we in another lockdown but I was writing my dissertation from home while also experiencing my first ever ending of a serious relationship.

As someone who has been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression for seven years now I’m usually quite good at knowing when my mental health is declining but this time I didn’t realize until I hit rock bottom.

I started 2021 with many goals like everyone else. This was going to be my year, and I was going to learn to love being alone. What I didn’t think about at the time was how much being alone would later affect me. I chose to ignore all feelings of sadness I was experiencing due to the end of the relationship and the ending of my four years in college.

Life as I knew it for the past three years had completely changed. I no longer needed to leave my house to commute to college, I no longer had a partner I needed to spend my weekends with and I had no real reason to leave my couch. So, I didn’t.

I became so isolated that I no longer knew how to communicate with anyone, when people would send me a text message, I didn’t know what to respond. I was experiencing physical pains from the loneliness I was feeling. It felt like I was in severe pain every single day.

After months of isolation I reached a breaking point. It all started one day I was due to spend time with family, but when the time came near I had a panic attack because I just couldn’t cope with being around people anymore. That panic attack led to two weeks of crippling anxiety, panic and fear. I couldn’t leave my bed, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t shower, I was unable to move my body in any way. It was the scariest time of my life.

I finally reached a point where I knew I needed help, I had asked for help prior to this attack but was laughed at by an unempathetic doctor (don’t panic, there’s millions of good doctors out there as the rest of this story will show). This time I called my doctors and asked for a different doctor because I knew I needed someone to listen to me with empathy. And I am so glad I did that, asking for a different doctor is part of the reason I am still here today.

This doctor listened to every word I said carefully, she allowed me to stay in the room as long as I needed and gave me her advice. I was prescribed medication and asked to come back in two weeks to see if I had improved.

Unfortunately, there had been no improvement and I had actually gotten worse so she knew immediate action was needed. I sat in the doctor’s room as an adult being told that I could not leave that office unless someone came and collected me. My mother then arrived shortly after and we had to make a trip to A&E. Not much happened in the hospital except they put me on a drip for dehydration and sent me home.

The following morning I received a phone call from my doctor, she was furious that they had sent me home without allowing me to see a psychiatrist like she had asked them to do. She told me to immediately go and present myself as an emergency case to my local psychiatric hospital, which as you can imagine was TERRIFYING, but it also felt so good to have someone on my side who took my mental health seriously.

What followed was new medication, and being put on a mental health team. I won’t lie it’s been a very long process, it took seven long months on a waiting list to receive therapy from the HSE.

BUT, don’t be disheartened, the real healing began when I became vulnerable with those around me. I needed people, as much as I tried to deny that I didn’t. I had family members stay with me everyday while I got better, and they still look out for me to this day. I realized I was never truly alone. I just closed myself off from those around me, but they didn’t leave. Friends stayed around and waited until I was ready to respond to them, even if it took me weeks to say one word.

Another massive support to me was a local charity Save Our Sons and Daughters (SOSAD), I reached out to them after three months of no word from the HSE mental health services and I received a response within 24 hours, and a counseling session within 48 hours. They provided me with 10 free sessions (and an extra 4 when they realised I needed more support).

So, the point of sharing my story is to remind you that there is help out there if you look for it and always look for a second opinion if you feel unsupported by a professional. You are never alone, no matter how lonely you feel.