Working out what ‘Home’ means

A lot has changed in my life over the last 5 years. On 3rd January 2014 my marriage ended. 17 days later my mother died and within 3 years on 12th January 2017 my father passed away. During that time my relationship with my two sons had to be realigned and my whole idea of what home means had to rapidly readjust.

Looking back now I think I was in a state of shock for the majority of 2014 and I suppose that is to be expected, when the research shows that the two most traumatic life events that one can experience are the death of someone close to you, and the ending of a long-term relationship.

For me, the Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, encapsulates the process of such trauma most succinctly in her ‘Stages of Grief’ research. Kubler-Ross’ body of work was originally directed towards those who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, but her stages can readily be applied to any type of loss and grief. It is also important to note that the stages are not necessarily linear and can be intertwined.

Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief are as follows:

1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

For a brief and humorous overview of the stages see the episode of the Simpsons where Homer is (incorrectly as it turns out) diagnosed with a terminal illness. Dr. Hibbert explains the five stages to Homer and he is suitably impressed with the rapidity Homer’s progress through the process. The writers of the Simpsons do however replace ‘depression’ with ‘fear’ which I believe is entirely appropriate.

So back to my own story. I had just started a new job a couple of month previous to the separation and for the whole of 2014, in a workforce of 40+, I told only two work colleagues about what I was going through in terms of the end of my marriage. Classic denial. During that first year when feelings of shock and numbness ebbed and flowed they were rapidly replaced by feelings of anger. A mixture of anger towards my ex-wife and my mother that would take considerable time to unravel.

Depression and sadness followed in equal measure and I remember the experience of physical pain in my gut anytime I entered the front door of whichever of the four different, empty houses that I lived in during that first year. Or that feeling of loneliness whenever ever I walked past houses with curtains open in the early evenings of Autumn ‘14 and glimpsed warm fires and happy welcoming homes (well in my head they were).

Bargaining also ensued, with my ex-wife, ‘Could we work it out?’… And more so bargaining with myself in my own head, ‘What if I had have done this, that and the other thing differently?’.

Eventually brief musings of acceptance came to me in the early months of 2015 and a gradual and tentative process ensued and here I am today, thankful that my ex-wife had the strength to end our marriage/relationship after 15 years. Something that needed doing and something which I would probably never had the courage to do. I always had a strong traditional notion of what marriage and family and home was all about. I believed that marriage was for life. You buy a house (we had a beautiful home with views of the estuary stretching out towards the wild Atlantic and hills and forest and mountains surrounding on all other sides). You have kids (we have two wonderful boys and that has not changed, and while the circumstance of the relationship with my boys has had to readjust, me and my boys get on better than ever).

So my idea of ‘Home’ was that house with a wife and kids and when that picture changed it rocked my world. An incongruence emerged or cognitive dissonance, i.e. where your belief system does not match the reality of the situation that you find yourself in or where you cannot have something that you think you want or need. Where you experience a lack of control and an absence of power. And where you feel that choice has been taken away from you.

However I eventually realised that when faced with such situations that there is a choice. You can choose to but all your energy into regaining the thing that you have lost and spend your whole life chasing that goal. Alternatively you change your mindset. But that is not an easy process. The beginning of the process for me was talking. Talking to professional counsellors (I am not ashamed to say that I have had more than one over the years!!). Talking to friends. Old friends that I have had since I was 4 years old. New friends that I had meet more recently. Friends that are still in my life and some friends that I knew only briefly. But the learning was clearly evident. I learned that whenever an opportunity arises to tell your story in a safe environment take it.  It is not possible to work out what is in your head and in your heart by yourself. You need to take people’s help when offered and for the majority of instances that help is simply a listening ear and no more. But the action of talking out what is going on inside you is crucial on any journey towards healing.

A one stage in this process a friend brought me a gift of a little wooden sign that simply had the word ‘Home’ written on it. That little wooden sign is proudly hung on the kitchen window handle of the house where I have now lived for coming on four years, just a few minutes away from my boys. It is something that I look at every morning when I make a cup of tea and every evening when I am doing the dishes. It is also a sign that I can easily take with me if need to move on from this house as a know now that home isn’t actually a house, rather it a feeling in your heart.