Supporting someone with an eating disorder can be a bit of a minefield. What do you say? What do you not say? It’s incredibly difficult to watch someone you love spiral out of control. I find that people are so uncertain as to what to say. Some people are very blunt and ask lots of inappropriate questions. Others just avoid the subject and pretend it isn’t there. Neither of these ways is very helpful although I would prefer someone asked me straight out rather than pretend that the problem isn’t there.
From my personal experience, here are some things that you shouldn’t say to someone with an Eating Disorder (ED):
Don’t tell someone they are too fat to have an ED. How ignorant can you get? ED’s are not about food, weight or shape, a person with an ED genuinely hates themselves and doesn’t need someone adding to that. Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes from emaciated to obese and everything in between.
Don’t talk about weight or comment on the person’s appearance. I know people mean well, I really do, but don’t tell a person with an ED that they look really well or really healthy. The person will most likely assume that you think they are fat. At the same time, don’t comment that someone is very thin as this can reinforce someone’s ED. I know people want to acknowledge if someone is on the road to recovery but I think all comments about appearance should be avoided until the person is fully recovered and
can handle such comments.
Don’t tell someone that they don’t look sick. Eating disorders can be invisible, just like depression. Don’t assume someone isn’t sick because they don’t look sick. Don’t assume that someone is okay because they look okay. This is a mistake that so many people make. They assume that because someone has gained weight and looks healthy then they must be healthy and recovered. ED’s are not about food and weight, they are about low self-esteem, low confidence, and fear and anxiety. If someone has gained weight, please bear in mind that their own mind and thoughts may still be eating disordered.
Recently I’ve had to deal with a lot comments on my appearance, that I look really healthy etc. Every time I have to give myself a pep talk afterwards – that people just want to be kind, that they want to acknowledge my recovery. It’s still hard to hear though.
Don’t comment on the person’s food. If the person is eating in front of others, this takes immense courage. Please don’t comment on what they are eating, how much or how little they are eating or what they are eating. This can be very damaging and triggering and may discourage the person from eating in public again.
Don’t make the person feel guilty about eating. Please don’t plead/threaten/or guilt the person in to eating. The person will already feel enough guilt about their ED and doesn’t need anyone else adding to it.
Don’t criticise other people’s weight or food choices. If the person with an ED hears you comment on others weight or food choices they may bring it back to themselves or compare themselves. It could reinforce the fact that their own choices are not perfect. This can also be triggering. I know when someone makes a comment about my own food choices I immediately feel guilty, like I shouldn’t be eating it.
Don’t talk about food being ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’. The person with an ED will inevitably have had a list of safe and unsafe foods. One of their goals in recovery will be to not put food in categories. Food is food, there is no good or bad.
Don’t ask for diet advice or say things like ‘I wish that I had your willpower’. EDs are not about willpower, they are about fear and self-loathing. And they are not on a diet. This is not a lifestyle choice. People with EDs are very unwell. It is an illness, not a choice. I remember when I was working in a hotel a few years ago and a woman asked me how I kept so slim. I was honest with her and told her that my diet was not healthy, that it was not something she should emulate.
Don’t joke about eating disorder. It’s not funny. It’s our lives.
No numbers! Please don’t mention numbers to someone with an ED. As in weights, clothes sizes, calories etc. It will drive them mad and they will inevitably compare themselves. Numbers are best avoided!
‘But you eat…….’ Yes of course I eat. If I didn’t I would be dead quite quickly. Contrary to popular belief people with eating disorders do eat, of course they do! It’s very disordered eating but they do eat.
‘Just snap out of it!’ Just snap out of it? This is like telling someone with a broken leg to just get up and walk
Ri.
Dic.
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Support information:
- BodyWhys Ireland
- The Samaritans – Tel: 116 123 or email: jo@samaritans.org
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