I’ve always been known as the shy girl; the quiet girl who was too shy to talk to new people. Growing up I was the little kid who stood behind my mother’s legs when strangers were around and I wouldn’t talk to anyone unless they spoke to me first. I had friends growing up but my friends were the outgoing type who made an effort to talk to me and start that friendship. Once I became comfortable around them the real me opened up and my personality rose to the top and they enjoyed being around me and my sarcastic sense of humor.
Many of my friends politely tease me about how shy I can be while new acquaintances often comment on how quiet I am. Once my comfort level gets to a certain point I can begin to let my real personality come out but being around strangers almost feels terrifying at times. I am constantly wondering what they think of me. Are they thinking about how fat I am? Am I going to say something stupid? Are they laughing at my clothing of choice or my hair?
It wasn’t until last year that I started to realise that I am more than just shy. It’s not normal to be this ‘shy’. I have been dealing with social anxiety for my entire life and had no idea. I thought that I was just shy because I have low self-esteem. I didn’t like being so shy, in fact, I hated it. I watched my outgoing friends meet new people and make new friends so easily while I sat quietly in the corner too scared to put myself out there and talk to anyone new.
I moved about 40 minutes away from my hometown a few years ago. I only know a couple of people here and only consider one or two of them friends. I get lonely and I miss my old friends. I feel jealous when I see social media posts with photos of everyone going out and enjoying themselves while I’m stuck at home. I really do want to be invited and included.
Once in a while I do get invited to places or special events. I feel excited when I first get the invitation and I envision how much fun I will have or what fun things we will do. As the time gets closer, the anxiety kicks in. Thoughts drip into my mind of all the things that could possibly go wrong and how out of place I will feel, especially if I’m going to be surrounded by a lot of people I don’t know and only a few people I do know.
This is the point where I get nervous and the thoughts go back and forth in my head whether I should even go or not. I’m fine if it’s a party with my friends but if I know there are going to be a lot of people I don’t know there then that’s when the anxiety kicks in and scenarios of everything that could go wrong start running through my mind.
No, I need to get out of the house. It might be fun. I just need to push myself to do it!
But being home in my safe little bubble is so much more comfortable.
Guess which thought wins? The one who comes up with excuses not to go and to just stay home. It’s not that I don’t want to go because I do! It’s not that I don’t want to be invited because I do! It’s not because I don’t like you or don’t want to spend time with you because I do!
My mind just won’t let me no matter how much I want to go.
I love my friends that have stuck around over the years. I just need you to know that I’m not a flake and I’m not intentionally trying to blow you off, I just need some extra encouragement sometimes. I know many of you won’t understand because you don’t have these thoughts that I have but please try to remember that everything is difficult for me. I wish I could be outgoing and make friends easily but I just can’t.
Now that I’ve learned what social anxiety is I have found that some of my relatives suffer from the same thing. It’s just not something that we openly talk about or announce publicly. It hinders us from experiencing a lot of new and enjoyable adventures that the rest of you may take for granted. I just need you to understand.
Help information
Check out the work of Step Out Ireland here or read Social Anxiety Disorder the mental prison you can escape from written by the Founder of Step Out Ireland, Francis Cleary.
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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