Content Warning: this post contains detailed descriptions of living with an eating disorder. If you need help, there’s a list of support agencies at the bottom of this article.
When I look at her now, I realise that the very same determination which almost destroyed her young life, has got her to where she is now – a beautifully vibrant 16 year old with the world at her feet. Last year she was on the cusp of hospital admission as her weight was critically low and her mental state precariously unstable.
Even while writing this, I feel my insides tingle and my heart grows heavy as I recall how I inadvertently became the key witness in the unfolding story of a child, so young, struggling to cope with so much. As a parent it’s heartbreaking to watch, especially when there is so little my husband or I could do, but try in our own clumsy ways to be of some emotional support, by simply being there for her. Little made sense and every word, every fraught movement, every tiny morsel she grudgingly ate, was a stab in my fragile heart.
Leading psychologist and author Steve Biddulph has said that, “success, as defined by a glittering career, an affluent, busy lifestyle and outcompeting the other kids in your school is a living nightmare. It’s destroying the mental health of almost every boy and girl caught up in it. The sensitive, the open-hearted, the caring, the empathetic ones are the first to go. These are the sorts of people you need in society and they are the ones most battered by the world we live in.” Yes, my darling daughter ticks all of the above, and I now know that most others caught up in this insidious web do too. Anorexia. It took me months to even say the word, I was so deeply devastated.
I’ve always been health conscious. I thrive on colourful nourishing foods. I exercised a lot throughout my youth and beyond and am now an avid yoga practitioner. It feeds my body and soul. Hand on heart, in my healthy smugness, I never for one moment thought my child could succumb to something so hideously horrible. I also believed, smugly too in retrospect, that children are resilient and will find their way whatever turns their lives will take. How wrong I was on both counts.
My three children were fortunate to enjoy an idyllic childhood in a cossetted, foreign environment. We called time on our adventure a few years ago and moved home to Ireland. Strangely it was my oldest child I was most concerned about at the time as she had the strongest friendship bonds in place.
New school, new life experiences all around, but for my gentle sensitive young daughter, no genuine friendships. The bullying started towards the end of her first year here. She was 12. School was alerted but little was done. A strong band of young teenagers, egged on by a dominant ghastly ringleader. This coupled with social media’s most destructive elements and a deep yearning for the cosseting life she adored, the only life she knew, led to her withdrawing into herself as the playdates and playmates became fewer. I also noticed her increasing focus on healthy eating to the extreme. At the time I put it down to the current blogger obsession with clean eating (the seriously unhealthy side of healthy eating) but soon learned the facts with recent research in the UK finding that an estimated 90% of eating disorder patients present as clean eaters.
Once the real weight loss kicked in, my days were punctuated with arguments and deep detective work as my eyes tried to monitor how much was being eaten and what ended up in the bin – or the dog! I now know that her school lunches were binned as were all snacks – when she was actually going to school. Dinner times were fraught with anxiety on all fronts and her siblings became part of it all, as every item of food was cut into the tiniest morsel, and the minute amount that comprised each mouthful was pitiful).
Watching her exercising frantically in the kitchen, in the living room and anywhere she could – splits, stretches and more, pushing harder, harder and harder still, I waited anxiously for starving bones to snap under the pressure. Miraculously they never did.
Although I know it’s not the food, but the unhappiness, that is at the root of the problem, as a parent its impossible to break that connection, unhelpful as it is, as we are so desperate to get food into their frail bodies. As a society, if we prioritised the mental treatment of eating disorders, and knew how to look for non physical symptoms, we could better help people before their bodies start to show signs of serious strain. More importantly, we’d reach the increasing number of people, teenagers especially, who are currently slipping through the net, hiding their mental turmoil because they haven’t yet lost enough body weight to ‘look’ ill. We can only reduce the rise in eating disorders if we look less at the body and more at the mind by listening.
While I didn’t find any genuinely helpful books to guide me along my own journey, I was happy and willing to talk with close friends and concerned others. I know many parents don’t, but an illness like this doesn’t pass unnoticed as the pathetic weight loss and sad lifeless face is out there for all eyes to see and mouths to discuss. Simply talking amongst family and close friends helped me enormously, while also leading me to others with similar stories and ultimately to a wise and trusted therapist who gave us hope.
In my case, there were undoubtedly many factors at play. I don’t blame myself, well not exclusively anyway, but I questioned my (and my husband’s) judgment in moving here. Had we stayed where we were, maybe this wouldn’t have happened? Then again, it might have, as life takes it twists and turns. Teenage girls today are competitive, cold and unforgiving and it’s the vulnerable ones, like my daughter, who become the victims.
Life is better now for my beautiful daughter: A new school, some confidence in her body (and herself) and a few genuine friends. While I still remain fearful that the horrors may remerge when life gets a little tough, I believe that a smiling vibrant young woman has resurfaced – the same, but different.
Biddulph paints a striking picture of girlhood: “It is a quest – a journey with a purpose, a path along which she gathers the ingredients of her womanhood,” he said. My role is helping to mould a strong, resilient woman. When I see her now, I know as a parent I haven’t failed. As long as she can keep her head together and allow her immense potential to shine through – and in essence, not sweat the small stuff, she will achieve the great things, and most importantly, the happiness, she deserves.
Support information:
If you are suffering with an eating disorder, please get the help you deserve and contact bodywhys.ie or find a counsellor to talk to in your local area: