I’ll be honest. I started the journey to become a psychologist in order to become an expert at managing my own emotional experiences, so I could help others manage theirs, so I could fix the world… and get paid for it. This was before I knew the truth. Psychologists don’t have it all figured out. A recent British Psychological Society and New Savoy Partnership survey suggests that 46% of psychological professionals feel depressed, with 49.5% reporting feeling they are a failure at work (BPS, 2015). The field of psychology has an unfortunate, predisposed yet, accidental de-emphasis on psychologists own mental health struggles, a de-emphasis that mental health professionals too are human beings.
Applying to become a psychologist
Applying to become a psychologist is an incredibly competitive process. Applicants often have undergraduate and master level degrees (sometimes even PhD’s), and have several years of experience in volunteer or occasionally minimum wage assistant psychology posts. Even hobbies become important, so I took up hot yoga, baking and Mandarin in an attempt to prove I was a well-rounded individual. At some points, I believed it might be easier to go back to my childhood dream of working in a post office or becoming president. Unfortunately, these career paths didn’t have openings at the time. So, I spent 5 years applying and being rejected from clinical psychology courses both in Ireland and the U.K. The whole process was demoralising. For five years I was in a whirlwind of anxiety about applying, panic about what would make my application stand out and what would make me good enough and depression following yet another rejection with little to no feedback. I didn’t speak to anyone about the experience not even those closest to me. I believed to be a psychologist you needed to be free of any mental health struggles. To be normal. Whatever that meant.
Becoming a trainee
Fast forward 5 years and today even as a trainee I have chronic imposter syndrome. I sit in front of clients on placement who explain their day to day mental health challenges, and I empathise because I understand some of their experiences, because I have, or I am currently living something similar too. We all are. At this point, it’s important to say psychologists and most mental health professionals have a system in place called supervision. Supervision in the psychology world allows mental health practitioners to discuss with their supervisor, their struggles, concerns and achievements when working with clients, practice and develop skills, receive guidance and overall reflect on themselves and how their practice is going. Yet, I sometimes sit in front of my supervisors, all qualified mental health professionals, for whom I have a great deal of respect; and despite their genuine support and helpful advice, something inside of me refuses to believe even they have all the answers.
A day in the life
The truth about being a trainee psychologist is that even though I ask clients to complete thought records or face their fears I’m still facing my own. I still can’t walk past a flock of pigeons without my heart racing, or stay off Instagram and live every moment, because it’s hard. It’s hard to change years of habit. Particularly when I’m not always sure I want to and when pigeons just are evil. I too argue with my partner, ignore friends’ texts, procrastinate, panic when I’m asked to do anything outside my comfort zone and drink far too much Pepsi max. Mental health professionals aren’t perfect. No one is.
I am required as part of my training to attend mandatory therapy sessions. It’s interesting being forced to go to therapy; on one hand it seems helpful, on the other I sit in the waiting room weighing up which of my many ‘problems’ to discuss that week, which one is the most interesting for my therapist and which one won’t get me listed as a cause for concern somewhere and kicked off my course. I too don’t always do my therapy homework (or my coursework) and yes, I also want to cancel my session to watch TV.
Finally, the truth is becoming a trainee psychologist has changed me but not in the ways I expected. I now lie to hairdressers and taxi drivers about my profession to avoid having to hear anything overly personal about their lives. I panic that, ‘I’m not truly one of them,’ amongst my classmates and peers and I spend so much time trying to self-reflect and reflecting on my reflecting that I’m sure I now qualify for at least 12 anxiety disorders. However, the truth is also that psychology and mental health support can help. Having an awareness of ourselves is a fundamental part of existing and therapy can go a long way in aiding this.
At the end of the day, the truth is mental health professionals are professionals, but trainee or even qualified they are just like you. They don’t always think positively or even balanced, they too get anxious, depressed, stressed, worried, jealous and the truth is sometimes they struggle to be normal too. Whatever that means. Seriously, does anyone know what that means?
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