The reasons I stayed alive

There have been many moments in my life where I’ve asked myself, “Would anyone miss me if I was gone?”

I’ve struggled with my mental health for quite a long time. I’ve experienced days when I felt lower than I thought was possible, days when I questioned my life, my existence, my role in the world.

Thankfully, those days are few and far between now. I’ve been seeing a counsellor since October and I can safely say it is one of the greatest things I’ve ever done in my life. Counselling hasn’t been the only thing to help me leave those dark moments behind. My dear friends and my witty family have helped in ways they’ll never realise, but it is reading that has been an overwhelming support for me.

Reading has helped me see the joy in life again. It helps calm my mind and reminds me that I can always escape the worries of life by delving into the pages of a book. Author Matt Haig has been a hero of mine for quite some time. His books Reasons To Stay Alive, Notes on a Nervous Planet and How To Stop Time each hold a special place in my heart. There’s something so raw and honest about Matt’s words.

He once said, “Stay alive for other people. The people you’ll meet. The people you’ll become.

You are more than a bad month. You are a future of multifarious possibility. You are another self at a point in future time, looking back in gratitude that this lost and former you held on.

Stay.”

I remind myself of these words on both my good and bad days. I’ve accepted that my mental health will dip, it is just a part of living with these disorders, but words like Matt Haig’s reassure me. They fill me with hope and gratitude. They make me look forward to the future because there are so many versions of myself I have yet to meet.

I recently lost a dear friend, I am unsure why our friendship ceased and struggled to accept it for quite a while. I was lost and lonely and my mental health swiftly declined. I panicked and questioned whether anyone needed me. My mind was riddled with anxious thoughts, ‘If that friend could leave me behind then surely everyone else would too’, ‘Who will leave next?’, ‘Nobody needs me and they’ve proved it’s true’.

I started to spiral and I felt increasingly low and anxious as time went by, but then I thought of what Matt Haig said. I thought of the future. I didn’t think of my failures, my past heartaches, lost friendships or the negative experiences.

I thought of the people I have yet to meet and my future self.

I thought of the Kat who will hug her sister and take photos of her in her beautiful debs dress.

I thought of the Kat who will drink cups of tea with her Nanny on Sunday afternoons.

I thought of the Kat who will cry over episodes of Glee with her oldest friend

I thought of the Kat who will sing along to Hudson Taylor in the car with her best friend

I thought of the Kat who will watch Call The Midwife with her Mam every Sunday

I thought of the Kat who will sit with her dad and her millions of cousins in Blarney

I thought of the Kat who will thank her Grandad for always keeping the newspaper for her

I thought of the Kat who will sit in coffee shops with her red-headed best friend and gush about our careers

I thought of the Kat who will fall in love again

I thought of the Kat who will watch The Breakfast Club for the 100th time

I thought of the Kat who will move into her first house for the first time

I thought of the Kat who will visit New York, Toronto and sweet little English towns

I thought of the Kat who will wander around bookshops and spend far too much money

I thought of the Kat who will watch her sister graduate from college

I thought of the Kat who will get married one day

I thought of the Kat who will find out she’s pregnant one day

I thought of the Kat who will become a mam for the first time

I thought of the writer who has an entire life ahead of her. The young woman who has many roles ahead of her. The daughter who has many memories to make with her parents. The sister who has plenty of adventures to look forward to with her sisters. The best friend who has a lot of celebrations to attend.

I thought of the girl who has made it this far and has no intention of giving up anytime soon, no matter how bad things get.

Suicide is not selfish. It is not attention seeking. And it isn’t a sign of weakness. It is something I’ve thought of during many points when my life was full of despair. It is not an easy choice, but it is important to remind yourself that suicide is not the answer.

I once believed it was until I got help. And now I can look forward to my future. A future full of people I will become.