It’s barely a whisper. It’s more like white noise. Echoing through my daily life. It’s as if it’s in competition with my natural state of being. It’s not a he or a she in fact I’m not entirely sure what it is. Many would call it self doubt or insecurity. I call it unhelpful. It tells me things about myself that used to destroy my confidence and self-esteem.
From ‘you are weak’ to ‘nobody even likes you, it stopped me from living what many would call an ordinary life. For such a long time I bowed down and convinced myself that everything about myself was negative and unworthy. By the time I was fifteen it had crept its way inside of my mind and burrowed a hole so it could rest. It could sleep for days but once it would awaken my life in many ways was put on hold. I avoided socializing, clubbing, family events, anything that gave my inner critic power to destroy my self-esteem.
However, don’t get me wrong there are phases when the critic is quieter than normal. Such as when my mental health is stable and recovery is going well. I am living with a mixture of mental illnesses but that’s a completely different story. When I spoke to a professional I learnt it’s actually more common than I thought to have an internal critic. There was comfort in known that I wasn’t the only person who bowed down to this intensity that’s lived within the walls of my mind. No matter your race, social status or gender we all have our own inner critic living within us.
I remember being seventeen years old and looking around at my friends and family who were basically living their life and thinking, why can’t I be like them? , Why can’t I be as fun and as outgoing as them? Why I am the weakest person on this planet we call home? The older I got I realised I was not weak, I was Amy. But by allowing the critic to convince me that the seventeen year old me was never enough affected my life so much that I became recluse. I hated leaving the comfort of my home because I was always crippled in the fear of what others thought of me.
However it’s not all gloom. There is a positive to this, a side I actually find comforting and that’s the side that motivates me. It’s as if it forgets all those negative things it tells me about myself. It reminds me that I am in fact ok and that I actually have a strong mind-set and that I have empathy for others. My critic is not my enemy anymore and that is something I have come to except over the years. Yes it’s brings me down and stops me living life at times but it also picks me up and brings down barriers. Instead of fearing it I now embrace it.
I am aware many people don’t understand – and could possibly be thinking it’s crazy, but that’s where you are wrong. But each of us has a critic living inside of us. That little voice that tells you good and bad things about yourself. I understand it might not be as intense as I what I described but that’s because that’s my internal critic. Yours is entirely adjusted to who you are. Just remember it’s not your enemy and instead turn to it for comfort when you need it most. By becoming aware of how you’re inner critic works you give it less power to control you.
Don’t allow your life to become reclusive, instead embrace it but more importantly except that is ok to have self-doubt, insecurity’s and so on but once you know you’re truth then you are succeeding. Most importantly you are not crazy you are human. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Sending each of you bright light and good energy.
Ps: You’ve got this.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here: