The beautiful benefit of accepting our suffering

Whether you’re dressed from head to toe in Penny’s or Gucci it’s a common misconception that a smile is the finishing touch to most outfits. We all like to give off the impressions that we’re happy but this can often be a very inaccurate representation of what we’re actually experiencing. Of course, we’re being encouraged more these days to talk, but some of us won’t even know where to start. Some of us will, unfortunately, feel like we don’t have anyone to talk to and others will simply be sick of talking. Sometimes we do that much talking and thinking about what’s going on in our heads that we get even more confused by our thoughts. This can often lead to us saying ‘fuck it’ and once again putting back on the brave face and the deceiving smile. Lots of the time by doing this we fail to actually get to the route of our suffering let alone accept it.

I’m also guilty of smiling when I’m freaking out inside. There are times when I find I am wishing myself out of a situation or wishing I was stronger or more ‘normal’. I try my best to live in the moment but it’s not always possible and sometimes the voice in my head, my ego, takes over. The ego takes over and makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable about myself and my disability. You see, it’s not always easy to walk with your head high, empty of negative thoughts, especially whilst walking awkwardly and pushing a walking aid. Sometimes I allow my ego to thrive too much off the people who are staring or even the people who aren’t staring. Sometimes I fail to remain positive and present too. My conscious self is well aware that people staring at me are just curious and most people are looking at me with compassion but there are still times when it’s difficult to deal with. Times when I can’t get out of a public place quick enough and into a place where I’m alone with nobody judging me. Call it anxiety, call it uncomfortableness or call it self-doubt. Call it what you want but I’m sure most of us have experienced it in some shape or form. Unless you’re a monk in a constant state of nirvana, there’ll always be situations where we allow our thoughts to run away with themselves.

With this being said I’m extremely grateful that most of the time, and especially in more recent years, I don’t encounter these experiences too often because I’m usually too busy being present to allow my ego over rule. I’ve learned that in order to remain present and grateful I need to accept my life and myself. I’ve accepted my disability and this makes life a lot easier. But of course, acceptance isn’t something you do once and then are done with. Acceptance is something you must do continuously. You must accept where you are in life and what you’re experiencing, every day of the week. Especially if you’re diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and your muscles are slowing wasting away. My disability is not something I only have to accept today because in the future it may have deteriorated more and this means it’s something that needs constant acceptance. I don’t think this rule only applies to me just because I have a disability. I think it applies to everyone experiencing challenging situations and suffering.

Acceptance is when you agree to experience a situation or to follow a process or condition. The situation or process may be uncomfortable and perceived as negative but despite this, when you accept something you stop protesting and fearing it. You might not like it or agree to it wholeheartedly, but you know that by resisting you will cause more suffering so instead you surrender. Acceptance embraces the bigger picture and allows you to stay mindful and understanding that all of life’s situations are just pieces of the puzzle and parts of your own personal journey. Acceptance understands that everything is happening according to the synchronicity of the universe. Acceptance isn’t always an easy thing to do and it usually doesn’t happen overnight. The more painful the situation the harder it might be to accept and the longer it might take. Acceptance does not necessarily mean that you have to give approval. You don’t always have to like or agree with what’s happening but accepting it will decrease the amount of suffering attached to it. Just like my situation of being diagnosed with a life-changing condition- it may not be a situation you like or approve but if you accept it you can find so much more space to welcome in higher vibrations of energy that will empower you to overcome it.

So why is it so hard for us to accept our suffering? It’s not easy to accept your suffering because of the thoughts in your head, and ultimately your ego believes that you shouldn’t have to suffer. That’s what makes suffering and the challenges we experience in life so much more daunting, difficult and scary. The truth is there will always be suffering in life. It’s bound to happen. If we were never to suffer we would never learn or become stronger. Often, it’s our perception of this suffering that determines how much it affects our daily lives. You can feel the most excruciating pain in the world and intensively unwanted emotions like anger, hurt, sadness, anxiety and depression but if you can attempt to not run with how the ego is processing these experiences they don’t seem so hard to manage. By accepting, the suffering dissolves.

By focusing on the present moment it becomes so much easier to be accepting. We can’t accept things that haven’t happened yet so the present moment is where we must aim to do it. In meditation practice, we can apply acceptance while sitting observing our breath and the sensations within our body. During meditation, thoughts, sensations and emotions may arise that you want to ignore or resist. During meditation, we get the opportunity to consciously chose to either move away from the unwanted sensations or sit with them. By practising to just sit with, accept and observe what arises in meditation we can become better at dealing with situations that arise in our reality.

For a long time, I let my mind and my ego run away with the suffering I was experiencing after being diagnosed with muscular dystrophy. Instead of accepting it I was telling myself that I was never going to be able to handle being ‘disabled’. I was so worried about what other people thought of me and this fuelled a lack of self-worth. My mind would ramble to the past and think about how I used to be so physically fit and then it’d fast forward to how I might not be able to do A, B or C in the future. This multiplied my suffering and at times, made my life feel like torture. It escalated and prevented me from sitting with what was actually going on in the present moment. The more I became conscious of my negative ways of thinking and the more I began to investigate my ego the easier my situation was to deal with. I realised that I couldn’t suffer in the past or the future because really they don’t exist at any given moment. I knew then that what I was suffering from were my memories and my imagination. It didn’t make my feelings of sadness and frustration disappear and it never will but it allowed me to experience them and watch them pass through being present and accepting. I’d like to also point out that accepting the suffering we experience in reality isn’t about making your pain go away. Instead, it will allow you to accept and reduce your suffering while remaining aware that pain and suffering is a natural part of human life.

Accepting certain things can often seem very overwhelming that’s why it’s so important to remain present and do your best to live in the moment by practising mindfulness and meditation. Acceptance is as crucial to mindfulness as mindfulness is to acceptance. It’s through this process that we begin to understand suffering.

So remember, the next time you’re feeling conscious of your appearance, ashamed of your personality, exhausted by your illness, attacked by your addiction, cheated on by your partner, disrespected by your friend or unappreciated by your boss. Take a deep breath and remind yourself at that moment, that it literally is what it is and accept it. If you can remove yourself from a shitty situation that’s causing your suffering by all means do, but if this isn’t possible make peace with it. Learn to make peace with every moment you experience and the world will seem like a brighter place.

As I already said, one of the biggest misconceptions is that we have to be always positive and full of smiles when in actual fact we do fucking not. Excuse my French. The smile doesn’t always fit the outfit and sometimes it’s more beneficial to our growth to simply sit in our pyjamas, pan out on the couch, and accept what we’re going through.

There is always going to be ups and downs and there is always going to change. Just like you can never feel over the moon forever, you can never feel unhappy forever either. Everything is changing. Everything is moving because everything is energy. Nothing stays still and nothing lasts forever including our suffering. So stop it. Stop allowing your suffering and your ego to control you. Stop believing that you can think and talk absolutely everything out and instead sit with what you’re experiencing. Sit with the feelings in your body in each given moment and acknowledge them for what they are. The beauty is that the more you accept you’re suffering the more you start to notice and accept the suffering that is taking place all around you. In turn, this acceptance turns into love and compassion for ourselves and the world around us. It’s that little bit of compassion for yourself and others that will make the world a more loving place.