Attending a concert with severe anxiety
Last weekend I attended my first music concert since developing Acute Anxiety Disorder some years ago. The venue was the Marquee in Cork and the act was DJ Jenny Greene, The RTÉ Concert Orchestra and the amazing Gemma Sugru. Many would be able to book tickets, travel and arrive at the concert without as much as a second thought. But for anyone with severe anxiety it’s much different.
You see when planning to go anywhere I bring a backpack with what I describe as everything I’d need if a worldwide disaster struck at a minutes notice. Some of its contents include a phone charger, a back-up battery pack in case the charger fails, notebooks, medication for all aliments imaginable most of which I don’t have but one can never be over prepared in the eyes of someone with anxiety. Wallet, keys, biro’s, RESUS mask in case someone collapses nearby, deodorant, perfume, diary, and a lot more. Anyone that knows me will testify this backpack NEVER leaves my side.
Attending any event inside a building/venue with a crowd takes excessive pre planning and by planning I mean researching what the place is like, are exits going to be nearby etc. So I felt I made the best decision when it came to deciding whether to attend the 3 Arena in Dublin or The Marquee in Cork. I was relatively relaxed about the whole thing until …
A few days before the concert it was shared on social media that recent terrorist attacks have led to extra security measures being taken in relation to what people can and cannot bring into venues. Might I add this is 100% understandable and reassuring to know such measures were taken but at the same time for someone like me it was horrifying. I’m not going to lie from the moment I read NO BACKPACKS my blood pooled at my feet and my palms started to sweat. What will I do if I feel sick I won’t have stomach tablets? What about my inhaler? What if my phone dies and I don’t have a back up charger?
I spent the days before stewing over how I could manage without my best friend on my back to keep me safe. I was so angry that these selfish horrible evil people carrying out these attacks could strip me and other people with anxiety of the one thing that enables us to be able to go to social events as any normal person would.
The only solution I could come up with was to bring the backpack in the car and bring a purse with a string to put around me to hold my phone and money. I left my loyal best friend (Backpack) behind in the car and locked the doors heading towards security and a long entrance into the large tent. Approaching security I was nervous I won’t lie because I thought “they won’t let my purse in either” even though I had watched loads going past with similar. Mr Anxiety has a way of convincing you things will only happen because you are you. As luck would have it I forgot I had a sunflower pin I bought for charity in the corner of my pants pocket and the scanner started beeping… oh here goes I thought bye bye purse I’m gonna be strip searched like something out of Orange Is The New Black.
What actually happened? The security woman burst out laughing and seeing her reaction I couldn’t help but do the same. From that moment on something different was in the air but I couldn’t quiet put my finger on it. There was an unusual vibe as we entered the tent. To my left people casually sitting chatting and to my right a lady giving it welly to dance tunes played in the waiting area bringing grins to everyone’s face. Not one person rushed, panicked or even queued in that waiting area.
Show time arrived and we entered the main marquee. As I walked in I mentally noted each exit and the distance/estimated steps to each one in the case of a panic attack or emergency. I checked my purse for the 20th time to make sure nothing had fallen out each time anticipating it was empty and I had no phone or money. As we sat I could feel the restlessness creeping in and began scanning for doors once more. All of a sudden the stage lit up. Something changed in me. I will never forget the energy those live instruments created in the tent. To watch everyone in a state of natural ecstasy, hands in the air singing along, as happy memories were triggered from the 90’s was amazing. Wall to wall smiles flooded the marquee and the stage. Watching Gemma sing alongside Jenny and the orchestra appeared so natural like they were having a rave in their sitting room at home and I believe that is what engulfed the tent. At that moment we were all singing into our hair brushes in our sitting rooms.
As I headed off to the toilets and insisted I didn’t need anyone to come with me my friends stared mouths wide open. I was afraid to question the new found confidence I had. What had happened?
I believe Mr Anxiety realised he couldn’t compete with the positive vibrations in the marquee that night, instead he retreated and I in turn broke free of the cage for a night.
To you the reader I say never under estimate the power of music in recovery and never underestimate yourself.
To Jenny, Gemma and The RTÉ Concert Orchestra you are creating more than music, you are providing an escape, joy and release for people that need it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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