After the terrible news of the suicide of Caroline Flack, someone who I have followed online and really liked her positive energy, zest for life and lovable personality, I wanted to write down a few words on suicide and mental health.
I have had issues with my mental health all throughout my life, from my early teens to now. From the outside, what I post on social media it looks like I am living my best life but in reality, I have to tell myself every day I am worthy, I am good enough as deep down I do not always feel this way. My critical mind can take over, putting myself down and I try my hardest to turn these thoughts around.
I have a great life, I have fantastic people in my life, I travel the world and I have so much to be grateful for but at times I feel lonely, lacking in confidence and so negatively judgemental of myself. Always being my own worst enemy but daily I try my hardest to face these thoughts and emotions and over time they ease. All this stems from the past and I wanted to write down a period in my life where I thought I could not come through.
When I was 24, working in the west of Ireland, I tried to take my own life. I was in my first real grown-up job, I was living in a nice apartment and I had just fallen in love but deep, deep down I truly hated myself. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. This was my first gay relationship but maybe not the most healthy. Your emotions are more heightened when you really fall for someone and sometimes all of your insecurities and hidden demons come to the forefront.
I woke up one morning, I got some awful news and I felt my life had no purpose anymore. During these summer months, I was not in a good place leading up to that moment. I was drinking a lot and started taking some drugs. I was self-destructing. I lost so much weight, not eating or sleeping right. I was hanging around people who were not interested in my best interests, distancing myself from people who had.
After I received that shocking news, I felt helpless, lost, sad, destroyed so in those moments I said to myself what is the point, my life means nothing. I can’t keep on living like this, thoughts of my loved ones, a potential future, my life went out of my head instead I just wanted to end my life once and for all and not feel this pain anymore. So I took pills, a lot of pills and swallowed them down.
Thank God, at that moment after taking those pills I got a wake-up call. I felt a shift happen inside of me where I said no, I can’t do this, I don’t want to die. I don’t know where this came from, but I rang my sister to say please help me and call an ambulance. She did and I was taken to hospital, thankfully I hadn’t caused serious damage, but I am thankful for that moment when I realised my life is worth something and I didn’t want to end my life this way. As I look back now this was my cry for help.
That moment was a huge catalyst of change for me. I had to truly look deep inside and start to heal the pain I was carrying for so long. I went to a counsellor; was put on antidepressants and I slowly built back my self-worth and start to love myself more and more. The reason I am writing this is because in a moment your life can change, you can feel the lowest of the low, hating every fibre of your body and at that moment you will want to end a life you truly hate. But like any moment in time, this moment will pass, you need to look deeper inside of that blackness and see there is a light there, a glimmer but a light that is truly a gift from God. Your life means something, you mean something.
I am so thankful I was able to see that glimmer deep inside of me that I am worthy, that my life does mean something and that you just need someone to help get through this. If anyone feels like they can no longer deal with this life and is contemplating suicide please, please reach out to someone, anyone. There is so much help out there and you are so loved. Your life means something and, in that moment, when all you feel is blackness and there is no hope you then need to go deeper inside to find that strength. It takes real courage to ask for help and to fight through those tough times, your life is so precious, and you can get through this. You may not feel or think you are worth anything during those times but believe me once you get through that dark night of the soul you will look back and be proud of coming through this and proud of a life that sometimes we all take for granted. You have a choice, you may not feel you have but you do so please make the right one – life.