Three years ago my life changed. I was just about to turn 30, had wonderful friends and family around me and a job I loved. But something just wasn’t right. I had experienced major bouts of depression since I was a teenager, but this time it felt very different. I had been in a dark place for a number of months and it was showing no sign of lifting. I was to be bridesmaid at my sister’s wedding and I just wanted to be able to hold myself together and not ruin her day.
Eventually, five days after the wedding I crashed. I couldn’t take it any more. I was extremely suicidal and made an urgent appointment with my psychiatrist as I knew I seriously needed help. I was admitted to hospital and was to go on to spend almost 9 months as an inpatient on a psychiatric ward. It was an extremely difficult time and I felt often that I would never get better. It’s think that it’s very hard for anyone to understand what it’s like to spend time on a psychiatric ward unless they have experienced it themselves. It changes you, and not always for the better.
Fast forward three years and I’ve been in and out hospital numerous times. Since that very first breakdown three years ago, I haven’t been able to put things back together. I might have a few weeks where I can cope with things okay, but then after a while the darkness always comes back. I can’t escape it. It’s been a long three years and every minute of them has felt unbearable. Right now I’m going through another dark bout of depression. I’ve been feeling suicidal quite a lot and it’s taking all my efforts to keep myself safe.
When I’m in a dark place I make a lot of lists. Writing things down on paper is extremely therapeutic for me and it helps me feel less overwhelmed. A couple of days ago I was in the Library doing a bit of writing at the study desks they had upstairs.
I was in a pretty dark place. I started writing a list of the pros and cons of me staying alive. I was going through the list, writing it in my notebook. Marking clearly at the top of the page: ‘Reasons to stay alive’ and underlined it twice. The list was for me and I wouldn’t be showing anyone else so I was completely honest and didn’t hold back in what I was writing. I listed the reasons for me to stay alive, and the reasons why I would be better off dead. The study area was jam packed full of secondary students who had come from school and were studying or doing their homework. The desks were slanted and there wasn’t much room between the desks so people were sitting quite close together.
I got a phone call and stepped outside to speak to a friend. I was away for about 15 minutes. When I came back the girl who had been studying beside me was gone. The first thing I noticed was that a blue piece of paper with a paragraph of writing on it was left sitting on my journal. It read:
“Hey, I was the girl sitting beside you, and looked over and saw what you were writing. Just want to say there will always be someone that wants to listen if you need to talk. Always have hope and appreciate the little things. If things get bad you can always call Samaritans on 116 123. Someone will always care. I do and I don’t even know you. Stay strong. x”
I was speechless. I hadn’t expected anyone else to read what I was writing. I didn’t know what to think and was left feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for this young teenager who reached out to me. She sensed that I was struggling and wanted to help. I would love to thank her for taking the time to write to reach out to me, someone she didn’t even know. Her note meant a lot and has encouraged me to keep fighting. I’m trying my best to combat the suicidal thoughts that are in my head, it’s a struggle but I’m linked in with my mental health team who are trying their best to help me. It’s a long road but thanks to a complete stranger I’ve decided to keep fighting. For anyone else who might be feeling suicidal. Reach out. People want to help, so let them. And if you’re that person who reached out to me in the library that day – I would love to say thanks.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
- Suicide or Survive – Phone 1890 577 577
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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