Four years into my depression I could write a book on self-destructive behaviour, for now I suppose I’ll settle for an article!
For anyone who might not know what self-destructive behaviour is, like me when it first began, let me explain from my experience.
Self-destructive behaviour does exactly what it says on the tin, it destructs the self. When someone suffers from depression their self worth is often challenged, and sometimes self-destructive behaviour begins because the person does not believe they are worthy of happiness, love or good health. Which to break it down means you begin to cause deliberate harm to yourself. We may be mistaken into thinking this means self-harming, while it can absolutely involve self harm in some cases most instances involve social alienation, alcohol abuse, drug addiction, promiscuity and erratic behaviour – basically taking actions that can have a negative impact on your life. It’s also often called self-sabotage.
When I began to suffer with depression I distanced myself from the people who were closest to me because I felt they could never accept or understand what was happening to me. This is a tell-tale sign of depression and self-destructive behaviour. I was alienating myself from the people who cared about me the most. This led me to seek out that love and acceptance elsewhere from people who did not have my best interests in mind and thus began my journey into further self-destructive behaviour. I was frantically looking for something to make me feel better and I was looking in all the wrong places.
Actively engaging in this behaviour of social alienation I began to turn to alcohol for the happiness I couldn’t find within myself. Depression had robbed me of my inner peace, my self love and I thought being drunk would numb the depression. I was drinking 3-4 times a week which was a huge amount for me, a person who rarely drank prior. You can imagine suffering from depression you’re not thinking clearly, now double that to not thinking clearly and being drunk, and not thinking clearly and being hung over. It was a vicious cycle of self abuse and torment but I had no way out as I perceived it. I had lost hope and truly lost my way.
I had always been a mature, responsible and driven person so when I began to suffer from depression no one thought to challenge my behaviour, they assumed I would have everything worked out because I always had in the past. Sadly, in reality I felt extremely lost, confused and deeply unhappy. I did things that I have no reasons for. My morals, ethics and everything that had once constructed my identity were all gone. I became a shell of the person I once was and I could do nothing to stop its effects. When I think back if I had someone to confide in, if I was not so ashamed to talk about depression then it would never have consumed my life so completely. I have endured so many years of this emotional torment and I was the one causing it by my refusal to admit I had a problem in the first place.
With all this in mind, I can’t turn back the clock and change these years of torment but I believe no experience is wasted if you gain something positive, writing this article I hope is that positive.
To anyone suffering from depression I would urge you to get help now, don’t wait, don’t think that drink, new friends or a new job are going to offer you any inner peace because they won’t. You can take that from me, I went on more nights out “having fun” than I can remember, I have moved house five times and jobs three times and felt no better for any of it. Focussing only on the external to ‘fix’ the internal aspects of us can never work. We have to do the inner work first and when we do that, the external aspects of our life can flow better. That starts with awareness that there is an issue, facing it and taking the action to talk to someone and get the help you deserve.
You can frantically try to change every aspect of your life like I did but depression will still be waiting for you when that distraction finishes. Distractions can only take your attention away from the problem, they cannot solve it. To ensure you get the right help needed tell a friend or a family member, have someone you can confide in and trust. This will take so much weight off your struggles if you can release yourself from a silent battle with depression. Once you start to talk about it and accept it, you can begin to move forward with your life. Take it from me, I have many years of my life to prove that suffering in silence should never be an option.
I have lost friends, relationships and jobs because of the harm I was causing to myself. I have thankfully now accepted the fact that I suffer from depression and am coming to terms with the illness. Only a few months ago writing this article and admitting these things would have caused me to feel ashamed and embarrassed but I know that was the depression talking.
As I continue my journey of acceptance and recovery I know that speaking out is strength not weakness. When you chose to talk it takes away the power depression holds over your life. This illness wants you to suffer in silence, this is how it can consume you and destroy you the most. Once you open up about and talk about your feelings depression loses some of its strangling hold. For those suffering from depression I beg you to refuse to be silent, speak out and speak up. It is the only way your journey to recovery can begin, if I can find the courage to speak out after four years of self destructive behaviour and suffering anyone can.
There are a number of organisations providing support via the phone, Internet or text message. A list of these services can be viewed on this link via yourmentalhealth.ie
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