Self-Care, a term used frequently among the subject of mental health, but also a great thing for anyone to engage in. It’s a term so broad, and yet so specific at the same time. If you get it right – it saves you – or more importantly, you get to be your own hero and save yourself.
I’m 28 now, and since my teens I have struggled with anxiety and depressive moods (I say that because the doctors have said I’m not clinically depressed – but I have felt really dark in the past where I questioned if I was worth sticking around). All of that has forced me to dive into self-care, though I have really only properly engaged with it in the last five years. I have forced myself to embrace the hard work of self-care, because one time I actually did the work and I was shocked by how much calmer my state of mind was.
As alcohol is a depressant and caffeine is a stimulant – it’s suggested to avoid it in times of distress, which can also be difficult for socialising. For a coffee lover like myself, it takes away a treat that not only tastes good but also helps to get me going in the mornings – which forces me to make sure I get enough sleep. Meditation is very helpful, though some people can find it boring. Regular exercise is also suggested because of the endorphins released, which can be hard to implement if it’s not a part of your lifestyle already.
Exercise helped me enormously – but it wasn’t until one time I stuck with it for 4-5 days a week for 2-3 months consistently that I began to see a change in my state of mind. I went from hardly exercising to now having it as part of my routine (4-5 days a week), and my motivation comes from trying to keep my mind as healthy as possible, as opposed to trying to lose weight or look a certain way.
I can tell you that as exhausting as self-care can be – it works – but it takes work, a lot of it. Sometimes you feel like ignoring what needs to be done simply because of the time and effort involved. You do sacrifice so much to help yourself, but the payoff is definitely worth it and a breath of fresh air when your mind begins to feel manageable for the first time ever. Your emotions also become more stabilized, which was a change I definitely appreciated after so long of a rollercoaster of highs and lows.
Another aspect of self-care which is so important is therapy. Feeling the darkened shadows of your soul isn’t fun, and trying to figure it all out is a nightmare. But diving into that scary place where all your feelings hide, is absolutely necessary. When the darkness creeps in – therapy is highly recommended. You can’t clean up the mess without touching it.
Therapy has probably been the best tool for me to help turn things around, but its hard work examining how your mind and feelings work. This is where you open up your wounds to figure out where the splinter is inside to try and get it out. It’s a safe haven where these unexpected tears come out that so desperately needed to be out of your system long ago. But the good thing is that you have a lovely therapist there to offer support and help you figure it out.
I will probably always have to attend therapy, whether its weekly or monthly – just to make sure I have everything under control. There’s been periods where I thought I was well enough to stop therapy completely and started falling backwards, and was straight back to therapy when I saw the warning signs. I’ve accepted that therapy is just part of my self-care routine, and that’s ok.
But while therapy is one of the most important aspects of self-care – it isn’t so much what happens in the sessions that matters, as much as what changes you implement into your life outside of the sessions. It’s learning to find new coping skills for the negative thoughts and emotions.
Tuning into your thought processing, and being aware of the triangle of feelings, thoughts and behaviour. Catching yourself beginning to unravel in a downward spiral can stop you in your tracks before you fall all the way down. It takes lots of practice, and many moments of struggle where you analyse situations in therapy, and begin to recognize unhelpful thought patterns that have a knock on effect to your feelings. Therapy is all about teaching your mind to work differently – so changes aren’t going to happen overnight.
I can honestly say that the difference in my two downfalls in 2011 and 2013 is that in 2011 even though I started therapy – I didn’t implement many changes in my lifestyle. In 2013 I decided I never wanted to be back in that black hole again where I really didn’t see my worth. That’s when I finally started making lifestyle changes and really trying to get better. This is when I actually did start to see improvements, and I just kept going up from there on out.
I still have shaky moments, I still have moments of distress…but when I see the warning signs I do everything I know I need to do, and that’s why I am so proud of myself that I haven’t seen a black hole since 2013. I’ve accepted that when it comes to coffee and alcohol – I need to decide on a daily basis if I can handle it based on my current mood. I recently went on holiday to Thailand (and the crazy Full Moon party) and didn’t drink simply because my anxiety was too high at the time… but I still had an amazing time!
So while self-care takes a lot of effort…as tiring as it may be, or as much patience is wearing thin for evidence of improvement…stick with it for long enough and you do start to see a change eventually. Frustration can creep up at the beginning and even during the process until you’re used to it, but try to just take one day at a time to do what’s best for you.
I hope that one day you can end up engaging with self-care long enough to look back and see how far you’ve come. I really mean that – because if there’s anything I’m proud of today, it’s that I decided to keep going even when I was tempted to end my life – and it was the best decision I could have made.
I know this will be hard for some people to read, and may come as a shock to some people who maybe didn’t realize how dark it’s been for me in the past. I just want to assure everyone that I’m ok now, and I haven’t had any thoughts of not wanting to live since 2013. The main reason I have been ok since then is I’ve been disciplined with myself with self-care, even when I didn’t want to be. I put in the work for the luxury of peace of mind. I keep moving forward, but I’m also excited about life and what the future holds.
We all have something great to offer, and if you haven’t found your gold yet then keep looking – because it’s there sparkling inside you somewhere.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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