Say yes to yourself

Most of my life I calculated whether I was a good human being by whether other people were happy with me. As a child my parents fought a lot and my mind quickly decided that if I wasn’t able to make them feel better I was failing which began a lifetime habit of people pleasing.

Needing to look after & fix everyone is exhausting enough, but along with this need came an almost constant fear of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing and not doing enough. Even though I preached self care to others, I put my wellbeing at the very bottom of the to do list which meant never getting around to it and instead spent years in a constant cycle of push, push, push followed by burnout. One of my worst mental crashes came in January 2020. I’d been promoting an online mind-set program, working as a personal trainer & running coach – my 9 month old baby never slept- and was still trying to counsel my parents & solve their problems whilst striving to create a perfect environment for my husband and 4 children. It is a relentless and thankless way to live.

I became constantly teary, frustrated & overwhelmed, so far from knowing what I needed & feeling like a failure I began contemplating suicide rather than having to face the possibility of doing less and risk letting people down.

Realising the fact I was thinking this way- that ending my life was less frightening than possibly letting down some people- made it really clear that I needed to stop repeating this negative cycle and finally made the decision to cancel work commitments and begin seeing a counsellor.

This was a huge first step in self kindness, learning what my own needs were and believing I mattered enough for them to be met. Now I’m on top of my to do list and I can say that with no guilt because creating boundaries has been selfish in the absolute best way and helped me heal and move forward with much more joy for myself and those around me.

When I talk to others about taking time for ourselves their response is so often “I’m too busy/there’s no time/everyone needs me” and it’s saddening how many people are at the bottom of their to do lists.

How often do you say yes to others when deep down you want to say no?

Because this is your life, you matter and the more you say yes to yourself the stronger and more positive the relationship with yourself will get. Considering you spend 24 hours a day with you, for life it makes sense to be your own friend don’t you think?

Boundaries are not selfish, they don’t mean you don’t care or can’t help others. What they do is preserve enough energy to fill & fuel your joy tank so you don’t hit empty & break down.

What do boundaries look like?

Try repeating the following and see how they make you feel.

It is not my job to fix others.

It is OK to cancel plans.

Other people’s happiness is not my responsibility.

No matter how hard I try I will never please everyone.

It’s OK if other people get angry.

It’s Ok to disappoint others in order to not disappoint myself.

My energy is valuable.

I am enough.

Even if other people are annoyed with me, I am still enough.

Saying these things might make you feel anxious, terrified, relieved or maybe nothing at all. All are OK, slowly start to introduce them into your life each time reminding yourself that you are enough.

Like everything involved in self care it takes practice but is so worth it and a vital part in the process of becoming your own best friend. Now when I find myself about to say “yes” to something I take some time to check in with how it makes me feel and ask myself am I doing this out of fear of upsetting people/needing to be liked or because it feels right deep down? The kinder you are to yourself the clearer your own inner guidance system becomes.

Remember, “no” by itself is an answer, it requires no further explanation.

“Self care is about giving yourself a break, accepting that perfect doesn’t exist, saying yes to yourself and acknowledging that your needs are as important as the needs of others.”

Hannah Lilly
Big Love
-The Joy Project’