January 1st 2018.
A new year is supposed to be a fresh start; mine didn’t work out that way. The first day of a brand-new year ended with me being taken to hospital in the back of a police car: bleeding, broken and having tried to take my own life.
There can sometimes be a curious appeal to the concept of reaching rock bottom: a feeling that things won’t get any worse; that somebody will help you. The reality isn’t that simple. There is no magic cure for depression or for feeling suicidal.
Here is what actually happened in my case. That night was spent in a tiny, airless room in an Accident & Emergency department, waiting for an on-call psychiatric doctor to come and speak to me. After several hours, the doctor finally came in for the briefest of discussions, then sent me home with one anti-anxiety tablet. I was discharged back into the care of the “crisis team” that I had at that point seen the grand total of one time. They arranged to see me a few days later. In the meantime, I was left to my own devices.
I was desperate. I spent hours online googling wellness retreats, yoga holidays, or anywhere where I could go to escape my own head. In the end I got away for a few days to stay with a friend in the English countryside. We called my family together, but I was told that going to stay with them wasn’t an option due to difficult home circumstances, so I was stuck in my flat in London.
I had to call work that week to tell them what had happened, and that I wouldn’t be coming in for a while. I then basically spent the next two months sitting in my room, with the tedium punctuated by trips to see the crisis team and conversations with doctors but never the same one who would tweak my medication. None of them did anything for me except make me feel sick and exhausted. I slept a lot, and crept around trying to avoid my flatmates, because I couldn’t face talking to anyone.Other than that I fielded texts from concerned friends and watched most of Netflix.
My mood did not lift. I went to bed hoping not to wake up, then when I did wake, I was too scared to get out of bed and face the world. Essentially I shut down and stopped functioning. I was barely eating and had isolated myself. I realised at some point in March that I couldn’t afford to keep living in London whilst not working, so I came home to my family for a week and we resolved things to a point where I could come back to Ireland.
And that’s what I did. I gave up my flat and my job and flew home in April. I have been going to counselling at Pieta House (an Irish non-profit that helps people with suicidal tendencies) every week since then and it has helped enormously. I am under the care of a psychiatrist and I’m slowly finding my way out of the dark hole I was in. It hasn’t been easy and it won’t be for a while yet.
So, what have I learned from the experience? Well, the main thing is that there isn’t a magic pill that the doctor can give you when you show up in hospital in the middle of the night. You don’t wake up the next day and feel glad still to be here. Instead, the path to recovery is slow, and I’m not yet even sure what recovery will look like. I am however determined to keep fighting. Not just for me, but for every other person who has been in my situation.There isn’t a simple way to fight depression, but there is a way, and it isn’t suicide. Instead, it’s baby steps, and taking one day a time. The good news is I now do have glimmers of hope where before there was only darkness.
This is not going to beat me.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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