I have always looked at myself negatively, harshly and unfavourably. For a long time I put this down to my looks, not handsome enough, not fit enough, causing me to be so self-aware which in turn caused deep rooted anxiety that brought me to my knees. I knew deep down this had nothing to do with my looks, this went far deeper inside of me. It stirred up so much pain I wasn’t able to face and I did everything in my power not to face.
So, of late I have started to stare this monster in the face and his name is Shame. I have heard the word being used in the past but to be honest I have never really thought much about this emotion, it felt foreign to me so I dismissed this. The more I have looked inside and the emotions I am facing I can see Shame as the biggest part of my past that is still haunting me to this day.
Shame thrives on hiding, being kept away, locked deep inside. It hates exposure. The more you do not talk about shame, the more it enables the feelings of not being good enough to become heightened. Since going to my weekly meditation classes I have started to see why I was still getting these bouts of anxiety, why I was still feeling unworthy, not good enough and Shame kept raising its ugly head each time.
Yesterday and on previous days as I walk the streets, I’m constantly trying to calm the thoughts down in my head that no one is looking at me. I focus on keeping eye contact with objects in the distance but then the thoughts pop in so quickly…
Don’t look gay
Can they see if I am gay?
Stick your chest out more, look as masculine as possible!
Also when on a date, there will always be a moment when you look around to see if anyone is looking if you want to kiss the guy, not as much now but at times I do get a little self-aware. I also have caught myself on very few occasions when I was younger (not so much now thankfully) when telling someone ‘I am gay’ I would say it in a quieter tone so as not to draw attention.
Sometimes when I am at traffic lights it’s a moment when I have to stop, be still and be at one with my thoughts. I have felt this uncomfortable feeling of being judged, this is mostly being judged by myself. The thoughts come in so fast I’m not even sure what they are, but the feeling felt familiar. I was not comfortable in my own skin as I do not I think I have fully accepted who I am, a gay man living in this world. The feeling came from my stomach and it felt like shame. This feeling was no way near the height as to what it was years ago but still I felt it cast a shadow over me.
Only until recently whenever I went home to Mayo to visit my family I would be asked am I seeing anyone. I would feel uncomfortable and try to change the subject. For the love of God man I say to myself, why are you getting embarrassed? No one cares yet you are making a bigger deal out of this in your own head. So from then on I answered honestly and tell them before they asked me that yes, I was dating this great guy and the embarrassed feelings would subside and I would feel more relaxed.
As a kid growing up in Mayo in the early 1980’s I heard the term gay being used but always in a negative manner. The word was shameful, disgusting, negative and even at a young age I felt connected to that word. I knew from a very early age I was gay so my earliest beliefs of myself were negative, shameful, disgusting and then my anxiety and shyness developed. As I look back I always thought my anxiety and shameful feelings started in secondary school when the bullying happened but now I can see this went back much further.
I was this sensitive, shy, different kid who wasn’t like the other boys and all I wanted was just to be like them. Why can I not just like football, (and when I did play and I wasn’t half bad) but I hated it. I wasn’t being true to myself, I wanted to play rounder’s instead. Red flag, look at the gay boy playing rounder’s. Then I started Irish dancing with the rest of the kids, all the lads hated it, I loved it, I was really good at it but I felt embarrassed, look at the gay boy Irish dancing. I went to competitions at primary school and won medals and trophies, I felt so proud of myself, so happy but shameful. I knew this looked gay and the kids were judging me so I just stopped after primary school. I stopped something I loved so that I could fit in.
Even by pretending to like things I hated other kids still picked up on my gayness, my differences. I never talked about girls, didn’t follow an English football team, talked more to girls as I felt more relaxed around them as they were not calling me gay, queer, homo, well at the beginning they didn’t. I looked like the other guys but I was different, I was gay, I stood out to them and they hated me. The overwhelming feeling of shame went so deep into my soul and has been hiding there ever since. It doesn’t affect me to the same extent now by any means, but I feel him flicker from time to time.
Every night as a kid I would go to bed and pray to God to please let me be like the rest of the boys, let me fit in, please God let them leave me alone, let me fade into the background. What have I done to deserve this I asked him/her, why are you punishing me, are you even up there listening to me? Even up into my early 20’s as I spoke to people about being gay I would say if someone offered me a tablet to be straight I would take two so I could be like the rest of the lads out there, to fit in, to fade into the background, to be one of the lads.
Shame makes me feel less than, not good enough, not handsome enough, not smart enough. Once that thought enters my mind then there is this wave of emotion that can take your breath away. So I had to really face this monster in the face and stare him square in the eye and feel those horrendous feelings I was trying to run away from. By facing this deep rooted pain the monster now has shrunk in size. Shame does not bring me down as he once has but at times he does creep up. He tries to remind me to be careful of all those people out there, that they are out to hurt me but I know now this is just fear that will lead to anxiety but I am not going down that road again. Time to make a new turn.
I thank God today for making me the person I am now, I was meant to be a gay man living in this beautiful yet complex world and now I am embracing my differences, my quirks, the qualities that make me who I am. I am not perfect and I never want to be. I am really starting to love the person I am right now who happens to be gay and I am letting those old feelings of shame that haunted me go forever. They may come back from time to time but they will not stick around for long.
Anyone out there reading this who feels different for any reason, who feels like you do not fit in, do not act or look like the rest of your peers, please don’t go changing. Please follow your dreams and passions, do not let anyone tell you cannot do something, that you are not good enough, good looking enough, smart enough, fit enough as they have no idea the talents that lie inside you. You are the only person who can truly embrace this and let this part of you shine out.
I know it is easy for me to say this now after going through a process of healing, but the one thing I wish I had done was follow my heart, kept on with the Irish dancing and done something that I loved and was important to me but I felt I needed to try and fit in. But I didn’t fit in, in the end, and I am okay with that now. I’ve accepted it. That was not my journey.
Any young person out there who is gay and is having issues with this please be strong, there is nothing wrong with you. You are gay and this is just a part of who you are. I know right now you might think this is so huge but you have so many other great qualities that make you who you are and being gay is just one of them.
If someone did have a tablet that could turn me from gay to straight, I would take that tablet and fling it so damn far away. I love who I am, I love that I am gay man living my life and I love that now my differences that I hated so much as a kid are now being respected, rejoiced and accepted. We also have to ask the question where does the root of this shame of being gay come from? How did it infect our society and cultural conditioning of how we perceive people who are gay to be? Where did it arise? This is an article for another day, but so many of us internalise this shame when we never should.
All we can be is true to ourselves, respect others and most importantly respect and love ourselves, and then we can make positive changes in this beautiful yet complex world of ours.
Help information
BeLonG To is the national organisation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered (LGBT) young people, aged between 14 and 23 – Contact www.belongto.org for more information.
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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