Life is a mystery – there are no promises, no guarantees, and we really have no idea what the future holds. Most people are fortunate enough to have hope that the future has positivity, that there is even a chance of something good happening for them. Even with uncertainty, they believe that there will still be positive moments, which gives them excitement about life.
Unfortunately, there are people that struggle to see anything good happening for them in the future. They may have had hope at some point, but then it faded away through life’s disappointments. They may have really tried hard to make things work for them, to look at the bright side of life – but the trouble is, the light was invisible to them. The light may still be invisible for some people, because we all have it, but we just can’t always see it. Maybe we’re tired of trying, maybe we’ve already tried to make positive changes, and nothing comes from it. Or maybe we thought we tried everything when we haven’t. Maybe we struggled to see our worth, because we had a completely different perspective of ourselves, and of life – when we didn’t even know it was possible to see things differently. Sometimes, even if we do know it is possible, we don’t know how to change our outlook on life.
Our strength is strong to begin with – but through endless efforts with little progress, we become weaker. We start to believe that any effort isn’t worth it anymore, that nothing good will come from anything that we do. Even when people try to re-assure us that we are worthy of being alive, and that something good will happen for us – we don’t believe it.
This was me in 2011, and 2013 – when I was 21 and 23. I didn’t want to try anymore, I didn’t want to hold on anymore. I thought I was done with life and there was nothing left for me, but it turned out that what I thought was my ending, was actually my beginning. I’d like to think that in 2011, it was my introduction to self care – but I tip-toed around it. In 2013, when I saw the darkness again – I decided I didn’t want to let this happen again – and I embraced the darkness by throwing myself into doing everything I possibly could to get better. I fought the darkness with all the strength and energy I had – and that’s when I finally began to love my life.
For those of you out there that are still struggling – I’m not going to tell you that it get’s easier – because I know that you won’t believe me, but if you want to try and believe it, it does get easier. Through trial and error, if you keep trying new things as a coping method – you WILL find something that works for you to help guide you on your way. I’m not going to promise you rainbows and sunshine, but I will tell you, that if you hold on long enough – that what seems like a never ending storm will gradually turn into a heavy rain, and from there on to a light drizzle. That light drizzle will make you want to step outside again from your hiding place, it will be scary at first – but you’ll be ok. This foreign concept you once had about enjoying life won’t be un-relatable anymore, and you’ll find yourself laughing more. You’ll have moments where you’ll have such a deep appreciation for whatever moment you’re in – and will be thankful to yourself that you held on long enough to feel this joy. These little joyful moments will make you curious to see what other pleasant moments might come after that in the next days, months or years.
This is the snowball effect that will happen to get you going in life again and start enjoying it. There is no timeframe for this to happen – everybody is battling different demons in their head, and everyone will get through this at their own pace. For every second you hold on to life, you are building strength to fight this fight and give yourself another chance for things to get better. I can’t tell you when it will get better, or how you will overcome this…but I can tell you that for anything good to come, you have to hold on.
I fought hard to overcome this darkness, and I feel so lucky to say that I did and am now truly enjoying my life and excited for the future. I may still be finding my way and where I’m meant to be, but I am excited to see what happens and where I go in life. I get goosebumps every time I think about how dark it used to be for me and how close I was to letting go. This is simply because – knowing how incredible my life is right now – I almost feel guilty like I would have cheated myself out of my own happiness had I not held on. Over the last five years, there are so many moments I’ve had, people I’ve met, and new experiences I’ve had and places I’ve gone to that would have been a shame to miss out on.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in having felt the darkness – but it’s also something I don’t particularly like sharing with people, simply because I really see my self-worth now and can’t believe I ever saw nothing in me. It’s a humbling experience to go from zero self worth to thinking I’m an incredible imperfect human being, and not in any way arrogant but simply in just – knowing I’m worth being alive, and I have so much to offer this world that the world hasn’t even seen yet.
I really hope anyone struggling now finds the strength to get through this, I know it’s not easy. I know you don’t believe it will get better – so I’m not going to ask you to believe me, but I will ask you to hang on, because I hope you will find enjoyment in life and see just how incredible it can be to be alive. You don’t want to miss something amazing that may be just around the corner for you, but you need to hold on to see it. It would be a shame if you missed out on all the fun in this world, just because you didn’t realize you had to turn the map upside down to finally end up going in the right direction for yourself…so don’t you think you deserve to give yourself a little extra time to figure this all out? I know you can, and I know you will…and I know you know that too. It’s just a matter of time before the jigsaw pieces of this crazy life all come together.
As the singer Passenger says, “If we all light up we can scare away the dark”, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do!
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