I’m a little bit wacky, eccentric and unreliable and at least I’m the first to admit it. I’ve always been a circle trying to fit into a square box and there are some things I have learnt along the way which hopefully can help my fellow circles out there. I thought my problem was obesity and the rolls of fat but slowly realised that was a symptom of the cobwebs in my mental health that needed cleaning out.
Everyone’s definition of achievement and success is different. Aims and desires vary greatly between individuals. Everyone has something they are striving for, and this is the thing that drives us as humans to wake up and build the life we want. My goal since I was 12 years old was to lose weight. During my teens I weighed just over 22 stone, and I went on a journey to lose half my body weight.
I can only describe the experience as freefalling up. I was changing drastically physically but my mind was still stuck on the overweight, unmotivated and depressed me. New found confidence, new job and the world at my fingertips after spending a life trapped in an extremely overweight body that I hated. I was drowning in attention and from the outside it looked like my life was going sky high, but it was all happening at a pace I wasn’t ready for.
Once people recognised my achievement, the pressure I put on myself to sustain this feat started to take control of me. I had achieved what I wanted, but I was still just as dispirited as I was before.
Weight loss surgery has a huge stigma, looked upon as an easy way out. This could not be further from the truth. The pain, hard work, money and effort that went into my life change was nothing less than any other person on a weight loss journey of any circumstance. After 10 years of trying everything, I had to do something before it was too late. Yet I felt the need to hide my decision to have surgery, to pretend I had won this battle “alone”, though the truth is weight loss surgery is an aid – it is not a guarantee that you will lose the weight you want. The added pressure of hiding this added to the strain of trying to maintain my weight. I was going to extreme and unhealthy measures to keep this achievement and success.
The aftermath of weight loss success is rarely talked about beyond reaching your goal. In my case, I had solely focused on the physical change as an ultimate goal, rather than my overall happiness. The diet and exercise were the priority but I overlooked a whole dimension of my mental change and overcoming the depression that came along with the years of handling weight and low self esteem. I still had the mentality of girl weighting 22 stone even after the weight was shifted. The goal of wanting to be accepted and not being judged for my size was the centre of every thought.
Your demons become your best friend when you’re heavily overweight, they are a companion during your darkest times; telling you your not good enough and you are a failure for letting yourself get to this unhealthy state. Looking back I realised those demons were all I had known my whole life but I should have known they wouldn’t dissolve away along with the 70kg. I couldn’t accept the change and subconsciously replaced them with self destructive behaviour to fill the void.
When you have lived for a goal your whole life then arrive at the place you ached for life can seem somewhat empty. So many people are on a journey of health, fitness and wellbeing and I feel the ongoing struggles need to be explored, alongside the triumphs. The ideals of weight loss are not as black and white as people think and often after a huge weight loss, even the questions asked about your journey can be unintentionally invasive and make you feel extremely vulnerable.
You will never live up to someone else’s standards, no matter how hard you try you will never feel like enough to someone, you need to be enough for yourself. Show yourself the love you want someone to show you and your life will change radically. You need to sit in those uncomfortable emotions and know they will pass instead of pretending they are not there.
Like I did for a long time, you can use substances, medication and invite the wrong people into your life to numb the mental agony but eventually these demons need to be dealt with head on by looking inside. Meditation, faith and persistence have made me turn the corner and I couldn’t appreciate my turbulent times anymore than I do because it has led me to here and this is where I need to be. In spite of everything, I believe you grow stronger during any journey, weight loss related or not.
Even though the last 3 years have been an uphill climb I wouldn’t take it back because I feel I have a greater understanding of myself. By sharing my experience, I hope I can help others to conquer their own mountains.
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