With effective long-term clinical management of her illness, nearly 20 years after her overdose my sister is doing well.
The below is a very touching and educational piece on what it’s like for the loved ones of those with bi-polar disorder to deal with it and what they go through. Thank you for your story, which was sent in anonymously through our website.
I was 13 when my sister tried to kill herself. I don’t remember much about that year, but the details of that night are crystal clear. She was 19 and a 2nd year university student. She overdosed on a combination of prescription anti-depressants and Paracetamol, and I remember being in the back of the car as we brought her to hospital, trying to keep her awake, not sure if it would make any difference. I remember being sent home while she got her stomach pumped, and lying awake all night bargaining with God that if she were okay I would start believing in him again and go to mass every week. (I must confess I failed to keep my half of this bargain – to this day it’s only weddings and funerals).
Thankfully, the next morning the news was good – she would spend a few weeks in the psychiatric ward, but physically would fully recover. Her diagnosis and subsequent treatment for bipolar disorder, however, defined the dynamic of our family for many years to come.
Bipolar disorder is a severe and complex mental disorder, usually diagnosed during adolescence or early adulthood. At the core of the disease are dramatic and unpredictable mood swings between mania (extreme highs) and depression. I’m no expert on bipolar disorder, but I know it has a huge impact on the lives of those who suffer from it, and studies suggest that around half of bipolar sufferers will attempt suicide at one point in their lifetime.
When dealing with a sibling’s illness, it can be difficult to cope with the complicated and often contradictory mix of emotions you face – anxiety, sorrow, fear, guilt, resentment and anger – often at the same time. With mental illness, each individual’s circumstances are unique, and I can only reflect here on my own experiences. For me, fear was a defining characteristic of some of the worst periods of her illness.
A few years after the overdose, I came home from school one day to find my mother distraught because she didn’t know where my sister was. I cried for hours and hours, utterly convinced that this time she had gone through with it. She returned later that night perfectly fine, and apologetic for worrying us all. But that twisted knot of dread in my stomach, the feeling of complete panic and of fearing the worst, would be repeated many times over the years.
Another emotion I often associate with my sister’s illness is anger. One of hardest things I’ve found is being able to distinguish between where the illness ends and the person begins. Dramatic mood swings are often directed at those closest to the person, and sometimes it’s hard to remember that the person has a debilitating chronic illness, and is not just being an asshole. I continue to struggle with this today. The temptation to tell them to just ‘snap out of it’ is strong, and it can be a challenge to understand and accept the fact that they cannot.
Resentment for the effect the illness has on your family can also grow over time; in my case particularly for the effect it had on our parents. I watched their hearts break over and over again with helplessness and worry for her future.
So what have I learned from living with a sibling with a mental illness? For what it’s worth, and for those who might find themselves in a similar situation, here are my thoughts:
Firstly, don’t be afraid to talk about it. Find trusted people outside of your immediate family to confide in – you may feel like you can’t burden your parents or other siblings further; I certainly did. It’s important to have a break – living with someone with depression can be all-consuming. My friends provided a sanctuary to which I could escape from the stress at home. You’ll be amazed how many have a similar story to tell.
Secondly, learn about it. Educate yourself about the specific condition and what the sufferer is going through. A greater understanding helped me to recognise certain behaviours as symptoms of the illness – and knowing what you’re dealing with can help you to support your loved one in the most appropriate and effective way.
Lastly, take care of yourself and your own health. It’s ok to be upset, stressed and anxious, and it’s natural to feel under pressure to hold it together, because falling apart isn’t an option for you. Yes, your strength is needed to support your family, but your wellbeing is important too. Seek professional support if you are struggling.
Thankfully, our story has a happy ending. With effective long-term clinical management of her illness, nearly 20 years after her overdose my sister is doing well, and is a high-functioning member of society with a great career and a family of her own. Her illness no longer casts a daily shadow over our lives, and while we know it could always rear its ugly head again in the future, we’re grateful to be amongst the lucky ones.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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