What was life? I questioned everything and everyone around me, including myself. My spirit had broken and I didn’t even know how to put myself back together. All common sense went out the window. Life became an alternate reality for the first few weeks into September 2017. I prayed for strength to carry me through the pain that was there,
I felt so numb and shell shocked. My anxiety levels were through the roof and I was so de-pressed. College started the week after my ma died. I somehow started university. My first day I had a panic attack so bad, I remember frantically calling my friend Shauna and telling her. She stayed on the line and encouraged me to stay in college that day. Every time I needed someone all that year, every time I called, Shauna, she picked up the phone even if it was me rambling on and crying, she listened. Never underestimate the gift of true friendship and the blessing of a kind person. I can never thank her enough for how she helped me get through it all.
I wasn’t ready to start college. It was just too much and I had been working too throughout it all. My first day of college I sat on a bench and looked at my college ID in a daze. The realisation kicked in, My parents were gone. I was 24. I cried sitting on that bench alone. People walked by and looked at me, but I didn’t care. The little girl inside me was sad. I was in so much pain and I was alone. Trying to process it all. I knew I had to be strong. I had to at least try. Eggshells, I was forced to walk on eggshells. I had to so I made myself. I had to do it. I had to face my fears, even if that meant doing so alone. I was never ready to lose my parent’s. I’ve never met anyone who has been. I hate Cancer. I saw what it did to my ma and family. We went through it every single day. I’ll never forget as long as I live.
After my ma died, two months later I was diagnosed by a senior psychologist with Agoraphobia and Panic disorder, this diagnosis has changed my life, but my life had already been changing. Growing older and now I’m 27, I’m used to my own company now. I’ve changed. I feel older be-yond my years. I still feel my parent’s around me every day. Throughout the mayhem and chaos that is me, I often recall people throwing judgement around like “I expected you to go off the rails when your ma died, you’re doing so well”. This showed me that the opinion of me held by some people isn’t an accurate reflection of who I am as a person.
Grief changes people and dear God have I changed. With grief, your tolerance lessens, you just automagically reject bullshit and unnecessary things. You know, reflecting on the good and the bad times in life, I’ve spent so much time living in my head, I realised how unhappy I had become and how I lost myself along the way. The progression I have made in 3 years has knocked my socks off and gave me back my self-confidence and showed me who I really am. I was emotional-ly battered from betrayal, heartache, loss, anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, suicidal ideation, and a failed suicide attempt at 21. I took it out on myself for a long time. For nearly two years, I got a taxi everywhere because I felt I couldn’t use the bus to get around, because of the Agora-phobia which is a fear of open spaces. I was spending €180 a week on taxis.
At the end of 2019, I finally felt ready to face my fears and what has held me back. I have had the opportunity to meet many people from all walks of life. Their stories have touched me in many ways. But we are all life’s soldiers. I’ve settled into the role of the pilot of my own life. I’ve tried every kind of therapy and medication there is. But healing isn’t easy, I don’t think you ever fully heal from something or accept loss. If you were to ask me how I feel about loss, I’ll tell you it’s somewhere I only like to visit when I feel the need to go there. I constantly remind myself of my parent’s and I talk about them when I need to. I’m constantly being asked for advice by other people on how to deal with loss and grief, and at times it can be overwhelming. I used to think it was a cliche that your health is your wealth, I learned from first-hand experience when I became a sufferer of my own mind.
Stay tuned tomorrow for part four of Sarah’s story….
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