Fast forward to 2020, I’ve had my world flipped upside down countless times, sometimes I wonder have I just been very unlucky or am I prone to traumatic experiences? My mam isn’t here, my dad isn’t here. I know I’ll do what it takes to get to where I want to be and help others along the way. I can’t even contemplate sometimes how many people I’ve lost; it sure totals 15 to 20, but I’ve learned to accept it’s part of the cycle of life. I appreciate every little thing and life so much more than I did. I appreciate the close friends I do have, that have been there for me since day one, regardless of my flaws.
Warriors are not born, they are created by themselves through trial and error. Through pain and suffering, they soldier through life.
Is it possible to stay in the same state of mind, for a long period of time? The answer is yes. Is it possible to be in a certain emotional state and not be aware at all of your emotion’s subconsciously? That is also possible. Compartmentalising is a coping mechanism for many individual’s and although we can be advised by our peers and others to “get on with something”. It is damaging, and as a result, we internalise our “reactions” and our true feelings and stresses with certain events and situations in everyday life manifest within us.
Having spent just three years studying and learning about the human mind and its many conditions. It made me stop and take a deep look at myself and those around me, their reactions, emotions and states. Firstly, I had to admit I had a problem, secondly, I fell into a pit of desperation trying to claw my way out. It started with me withdrawing from every person I’ve ever known and everything I love. I didn’t get out of bed, I just stayed there. I made excuses to every single person for why I couldn’t show up for group work in college, why I wasn’t in class, why I didn’t want to clean the dishes, why I didn’t want to work, why I didn’t call anymore, why I just wasn’t me anymore. Why I didn’t care how anyone else was doing. Why I just didn’t care. Ignorance would strike and a lot of stuff tore me apart. Snappy, tardy and completely on the brink of spiralling into a deeper depression. It was sink or swim. I had run out of excuses. I knew I was brave in the past, but this time round I needed to be stronger than ever before. I’m not afraid to talk about mental health anymore.
It is a hard pill to swallow to master the art of loneliness and find comfort in the isolation. After round one in the ring of life, it gives you a knock, eventually, I was 13 rounds in and 15 people have died, family and close friends, and I was fucking angry and struggling. My mother, my father, my grandparents, four uncles, an aunt and a bunch of super important people including friends. The thing is, it’s not just me that lost people in life. Other people share and shared my pain. I’m totally aware of that, but eventually, it became unbearable. If anyone started a conversation with me I would tear them down and get defensive. Panic attacks, I’ve been having since I was 11 years. That’s 16 years. I’m 27 now.
It became so debilitating and regular, mental stress, I just snapped. My mind decided to have a fit. Mid-December 2018, after a year of following a treatment plan specifically designed for my anxiety and agoraphobia, combined therapy. I ran out of resources and I snapped. I came to a halt. My mind decided to shut everything off, and so came an avalanche of emotion, that had been boiling beneath the surface, but that had slowly simmered its way through the cracks. Thus causing me to have what is called a slow emotional nervous breakdown. After this slow emotional nervous breakdown, I felt like I had a massive emotional hangover and had lost control of all my life affairs and had stretched my mental capacity to the point it had crumbled and broke down a wall that had been built so high it was a life-changing experience. It was frightening to experience but also necessary in order for me to rebuild myself and move on in a positive way.
No one ever expects things to land on their doorstep, but usually, life always finds a way. I had people in my ear telling me I had too much potential to lose. But, I had to look at all the options and I realised I stopped being kind to myself and set myself up for overload and I had crashed. Staying so busy, that I didn’t have to deal with how I was feeling. I had to make a commitment to myself that I was going to help myself heal because I owed it to myself. I started to grow from the inside out. I started loving my fractured self. Small steps lead to bigger ones. Healing is not all bubble-baths and aromatherapy.
This year for the first time in a year, I stood by the sea and I felt fresh air in my lungs and I forgot how it felt, to have a weight lifted off your shoulders. I’m not a therapist but sometimes you have to be honest with yourself to set yourself free from stuff. Truthfully to seek out the cause and the core of issues that arise or manifest in you. The thing with emotional pain is that you can’t put a bandage on it long term. Like a storm, it can become a hurricane and you feel suffocated. But, there are crutches in various forms. It is certainly okay to not be okay. Healthy and unhealthy options.
After a time I decided I was going to drop the unhealthy crutches and I decided I was going to wear my pain as armour and go onto the battlefield of life and continue fighting. I kept telling myself I couldn’t live my life looking through a pane glass window watching the world go by. I started counting my blessings and the people in my life who wanted me to feel better and get better. I counted on my rocks and slowly they’ve kept me up. To anyone else that is having difficulty with their demons, please keep going, please keep resting, count the blessings, do not give up, fight another day, because I promise that one day, all your persevering through the bad days will lead to the good days.
Let yourself feel what you are feeling and don’t feel ashamed or a burden for how you are feeling. I hope you find your peace. Don’t shun help or support, use it as an anchor. Trust me when I say I know how it feels. It is okay to feel strong and it is okay to feel weak. Don’t believe the image that everyone portrays on social media. It’s false. A smile can hide a thousand words and so can a post. I’m thankful for my resilience and inner strength. This country’s approach to mental health is a shambles. There is not enough support on a local level, a national level. Starting a conversation is the first step and talking about your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they may be. One step at a time. Recovery takes time. But it is so worth it. Keep soldiering on out of the silence because you are worth every bit of effort. It’s taken me 15 years to accept my flaws and my imperfections. 10 years to accept that the heart wants what it wants. 27 years to learn that the world isn’t against me and that people aren’t. It’s taken me 15 years to be able to put a name to a face that has torn me down mentally and kicked me around to the point I was going to give up because I was so low and couldn’t get back up. In 2018, I learned the name of the condition I have: Agoraphobia. I know somewhere my mam is smiling with relief and my dad. It closes a chapter that needed to end. So my next chapter can begin. Never be afraid to accept help and lean on others for support. Don’t be hard on yourself, because life can be hard enough as it is. For the first time in a long time I have the weight of the world off of my shoulders. I know my struggles with my mental health are something I will never let define me and I’ll continue to pursue my ambitions and chase what makes my heart beat faster. This life is to be lived. There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Never be ashamed if you have ever struggled with your mental health because I certainly am not.
This year, I made it through, I’ll be graduating with a Bachelor Honours Degree in Communication Studies from DCU. I never thought this would ever happen because of my struggles with my mental health. I still seek out therapy when I feel myself sidetracked or stuck, and I still experience panic attacks. Over time it has become a bit easier to manage, it’ll take time. Struggling with your mental health is very hard without a support system. It can only make you stronger and I know it has made me stronger. Chin up, because you’ve got this. Check on your friends, sometimes all we need is a helping hand or a listening ear to comfort us through a time of need or struggle, it can make a world of difference to look out for others and show a little empathy and compassion. Journeying forward, we’re all in this together, so why not give yourself a try?
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