I have been affected and surrounded by mental illness my entire life. I was born to a mother with Bipolar II Disorder, and a father who at the time was an alcoholic and drug abuser. I was lucky in the beginning, as I was only two when my parents separated and divorced, so I don’t remember what my life was like while they were together.
We lived with my grandparents for several years, and they were a big part of both my and my two brothers lives. While living with them, life was fairly normal, aside from my older brother’s issues at the time. My dad didn’t get us at first, but I was so young I was oblivious to this. Eventually he met my stepmom, and by the time I was four, they were getting us regularly, every other weekend.
Eventually, my mom met my stepdad, and we moved into an apartment with he and my mom. At this point, things started to slowly deteriorate with my mom’s behavior, and our lives began to slowly change. It started with small arguments between my mom and stepdad. He was a drinker too, had never had kids, and liked to pick on us, which was fairly harmless at first.
After a year of living in the apartment, my mom and stepdad ended up buying a house together and getting married. Everything was ok in the very beginning, but here is where everything really started going downhill. My mom became more and more unstable, and my stepdad drank a lot more too. They started arguing a lot more often, and the arguing started to become physical as well.
From this point on, the majority of my childhood was a chaotic mess. My mom was either angry and screaming, or crying and leaning on me. My older brother did not live there long with us, he left and went back to live with my grandparents. This left just me and my younger brother. We both ended up getting caught up in a lot of the screaming and fighting between my mom and stepdad, most of the time trying to get them to stop.
My mom would also take a lot of her frustrations out on me. She would get in my face and scream at me, put me down and call me names, and tell me it was my fault that she was the way she was. She would behave erratically, make dangerous decisions, hurt herself physically, and I never knew what each day would be like.
Sometimes the fighting between my mom and stepdad would get so bad the police would show up. Sometimes we would have to stay with my mom’s friend, friends of ours, hotels, and we even slept in her car out in the driveway with the doors locked. My brother’s behavior changed as well. He started becoming angry and acted out. He took a lot of this out on me. He would become violent with me, destroy my things, put me down in front of others, and steal from me.
Eventually, at around 12 years old, I had my first experience with depression. I refused to get out of my bed. I didn’t want to do anything, see anyone, or talk to anyone. My mom ended up taking me to a psychiatrist. It really didn’t help, and by 13 I had my first panic attack. From there, my own behavior started to change. I was becoming angry, acting out, and honestly didn’t care whether I lived or died for a long time.
We moved again, just before my 16th birthday. Everything was still out of control at first, but my mom was getting more help with her mental illnesses now, and my stepdad eventually quit drinking. There was still a lot of screaming and arguing, but the physical fighting had mostly stopped. My younger brother was in and out, sometimes living with friends for a while, and then eventually moving back home.
I continued to struggle with depression and anxiety, but tried to deal with it on my own. Eventually I moved out, got married, and had kids of my own. I made a promise to myself that I would never ever be like my mom, and I would never make anyone feel the way my mom had made me feel growing up.
Fast forward to today. My mom and I have still had our struggles over the years, and maintained a very unhealthy and co-dependent relationship until recently. I finally found a counselor that has helped me tremendously with my recovery, and has also helped me better understand the behavior of my mom and my younger brother.
I have learned to set healthy boundaries for myself, and I cannot tell you how much doing this has changed my life for the better. I no longer blame myself for my mom’s behavior, nor do I carry any more guilt. I have also cut my younger brother out of my life, which should have been done years ago. He is a sociopath and a drug addict, and has never been anything but toxic. I no longer feel guilty for protecting myself against him and his destructive behavior.
This is a very condensed version of my story, as it would take too long and too many words to share every detail. I hope that what I have shared gives you an idea of the struggles of not only having a mentally ill parent and brother, but learning how to deal with my own mental illnesses as well. Going through these things has made me the person I am today, and for that I am forever grateful and thankful.
I began my blog to share my story, and to let others know, no matter what you go through, you are stronger than you think and you can get through it! What I lived through and what I’ve struggled with does not define me. I have the power to choose the direction in which I want my life to go. It took me most of my life to learn and understand this, as well as finding the right counselor to help me achieve my goals. I want anyone struggling to know that you are not alone, and there is hope!
The most important lesson I learned is to never give up on yourself. Trust and believe in yourself, and don’t be afraid to fight for yourself. You are worth it.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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