*Trigger warning* If you’re affected by the issues raised in this piece, please contact the help information at the end of this article.
From four years of age, I was abused by my father. He was a controller and a bully. I have memories of beatings, sexual degradation, mind games, starvations, attempted strangulations and an arson attack. It was a horrific time where I lived in constant terror and feared for my life. Looking back, I faced death on several occasions and never felt so powerless.
In my early teenage years, the HSE and the Guards had to get involved with the family unit. The HSE wanted my father to be assessed but he refused blankly stating he was perfect. “We are his property, he brought us into this world and it was his job to take us back out”.
I finally got the courage and strength to stand up to him one night. It was the last confrontation. At the age of 14, I ran from home. A few days later, my Mum and siblings followed. From that age, I suddenly became an adult, statements and interviews became part of my life.
The aftermath of abuse is extremely traumatic. I lost all control of my surroundings and developed an eating disorder. Anxiety, trembling took over where I was constantly looking over my shoulder and making sure that doors were locked. Sexual abuse counsellors, child psychologists, schools were all involved with us in the healing process.
It was a long road to recovery but life did start to get normal and much happier than ever. I had moved forward.
However, a few years later I was intimidated, harassed and sexually assaulted again. Everyone ‘tiptoed’ around me, afraid of what to say. I became erratic. The fact of getting hurt twice was hard to accept. This incident had a devastating effect on my mental health. I cried in my sleep every night, began to withdraw and isolate myself. Depression took over; the turmoil was unbearable to comprehend. The trembling feeling of fear returned. I was counselled by a sexual abuse counsellor and a psychotherapist.
My eating disorder returned but it was mostly ‘played on my mind’. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. My psychotherapist worked with me to breakdown the flashbacks and try to comprehend what was happening inside my mind. My studies took a turn for the worst as my memory had collapsed. I was an A student that couldn’t perform in my last few exams. One year later than expected I got my honour degree. This tragedy took ten years to overcome.
Why I decided to share my life story is that with adversity there is growth too. I have accepted what happened and I am doing well now. Not everything is straightforward as I would have trust issues. I have put an invisible barrier around me that I only allow few in.
I managed to turn my adversity into strength. When faced with difficult life challenges, I look back at everything I faced and use these as my tools. Some of my recovery steps involved:
- Listen to your gut instinct.
- Be kind to yourself. It is not easy to be positive facing difficulties in your life and that is perfectly okay. But try not to be too negative as it festers on the mind.
- Seek professional counselling. Empathy and compassion are human basics. It is a hard road to travel alone so it is good to have someone that will listen, guide and advise you. Links to find accredited therapists in your locality are: iacp.ie, iahip.org and counsellingdirectory.ie
- Crying is a healing process and a sign of empathy and strength. Don’t be ashamed of your tears, let them flow and cleanse your mind, body and soul.
- Remove toxic people and environments from your life. They will drain and destroy your mental and physical health. Surround yourself with nice company.
- Be active. My hobbies are walking and running. These give me an escape and allow me to be free. It is the only time I get to be a child again.
- Finally find your voice – be your own hero!
As I look at myself in the mirror I see beyond my reflection. My soul and mind are in sync with each other. My soul is protecting my mind whispering softly “Your pain will become the source of your strength. Face it. Brave it. You will make it.”
I hope it will never be “I GAVE UP”.
Help information – If you need to talk, contact:
- One In Four Sexual Abuse – From surviving to living
- The Dublin Rape Crises Centre 1800 77 88 88
- CARI 1890 9245 67 or email helpline@cari.ie
- Women’s Aid National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House 01 601 0000 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide, self-harm)
- Teen-Line Ireland 1800 833 634 (for ages 13 to 19)
- Childline 1800 66 66 66 (for under 18s)
- yourmentalhealth.ie
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
- National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement)