22 years ago my journey with poor mental health and weight issues began, I had always been little I was born to a family of what my dad endearingly terms hobbits or little people, I was an average weight like most kids I had some puppy fat etc. By age 11 though I was tipping the scales higher than other children my age, This led to some unkind words from my peers which only deepened a trigger from being bullied at a younger age. I had begun having mood swings and low mood around a year earlier which due to my age was put down to hormones and puberty beginning. My maternal grandad had passed when I was 10 from cancer and this had been a traumatising event for me, as seeing him deteriorate left some real anxiety about death. As I travelled through the next 4 years into mid-teens these feelings of low mood and unworthiness only worsened, I was surly, reclusive and would fly off the handle for small things (thank god my mum has lots of patience)I continued to gain weight and picked up a habit of binge eating whenever I felt stressed, I didn’t know why I felt that way as there was no real reason behind it to my knowledge.
This continued like this over the next few years until at age 14 something happened which turned my world upside down. On January 31st 2002 my wonderful Granddad passed away and just 8 days later my beloved Nan, my world crashed, if I was feeling low before it was nothing compared to the grief I felt at their passing. I took time away from everything: a month off school, stayed away from friends and I shut everyone out withdrawing more and more daily, I also yo-yo’d between comfort eating and not eating at all, I nowadays recognise that I was definitely in runaway response at that time. As the years passed although it was not overtaking my life, I never got past the grief and I never really experienced the release of that 7 step grief process everyone kept telling me about, I couldn’t talk about them or hear a song that reminded me of them. Whenever I tried to speak about them the lump formed in my throat and the tears threatening to flow, and the hardest part was that I could not even bring myself to visit the cemetery where they were buried. I was shut down to their loss, I would and could not accept that they were gone and as I went through the roller-coaster of yo-yo eating my weight followed the same pattern of up and down never constant.
When I hit my adult years I got married, had two beautiful Children, developing pre and post-natal depression both times. I also suffered from severe morning sickness during both so again my weight was on the table at every appointment as I was either losing or gaining too much. When they came along, I loved being a mum and put myself on a back burner, still, I suffered emotionally but I just ignored it and put everyone else before myself so I didn’t have to face the true reality that I was severely overweight and severely depressed. My personality was that of Jekyll and Hyde I was so happy with my relationship and as a mum but miserable in everything else, I was seeing a counsellor, had done CBT, trying numerous mindfulness techniques yet nothing was helping me get my life back. I was at my wits end and every day I would get up wondering if today was going to be a good or bad day. It didn’t matter which it was though as the feelings were there either way.
I found myself by the time I was 22 with a life that did not feel like my dream life. Although I had a great understanding husband and two wonderful kids which is what kept me from giving up, I also had severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks, trauma, insomnia, no hope, no prospects and bodyweight of 30 stone.
And then by chance, when I was 23 years old and my youngest child was 18 months old I met a Coach, the rest, as they say, is history. Fast forward 8 years and I am now 10 stones lighter and losing more all the time, can talk freely about my paternal grandparents and have dealt with the trauma of losing my maternal grandad. I have a number of qualifications and accreditations under my belt, have earned promotions in any jobs and live a very happy life. I have never looked back I am blessed with a wonderful marriage and two amazing and resilient kids all thanks to coaching. I am now also trained with 5 years’ experience to able to give back as a transitional coach myself thanks to being unafraid to take the leap, being ready to make the changes and wanting to invest in myself, my health and reaching for the life I want and deserve. This is me and this is my story, thank you.
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