My Experience with Bullying

Hello! I’m Chris Sherlock, from Galway – today I’m making a career in broadcasting, along with being an Author and Anti-bullying campaigner. However, my 14 year old self would not believe this! If I could borrow Marty McFly’s DeLorean from Back to the Future and go back in time to say you will get over the trauma and the mental health struggles that fall on your way as a result being a victim of brutal bullying. Then I would. If I was allowed to alter time slightly then I would have pursued help a lot quicker to save on going through such trauma that wasn’t my fault.

I was forced to leave school at 13 years old with just three weeks into secondary school. The transition from primary school to secondary school was going well enough. I had the normal First Year nerves – it was a new building and only a handful of kids from my old school were going to the new one so I didn’t know many people.

I was looking forward to making new friends, but shy and nervous at the same time. As a young lad, I wanted to fit in and make the right impression. When outside of my comfort zone I get very quiet so I thought I would slowly ease into things. I think the lads in the school, and especially the older kids picked up on that and within my first week of starting the school. I was the subject of verbal abuse as in name calling, I tried to ignore it and hoped it would go away as the less I interacted, the less it would happen and hoped they’d just get bored and stop.

During my second week, I was on the phone to home during my lunchbreak – just to check in with my parents and let them know how things were going. All of a sudden, these guys just pushed me up against the wall and before I knew it, there was a hand around my throat and my phone taken off me and was thrown away.

I was in shock and in just complete fear of what was actually happening. They were taunting me and saying whatever they could to get a rise out of me. I did manage to squirm out of it and phoned my mother back, I covered up and said I’d just dropped my phone. Thankfully the call disconnected as I didn’t want her to hear what was happening.

That was the start of my secondary school journey and it was also the beginning of the end of my secondary school journey. A few days later, I remember feeling a bit sick going into school. I must have had a gut feeling that something bad was going to happen. It was just after the lunch break, I was on the fifth floor of the main building of the school. It was an old building with hard-core flooring and winding stairs between floors. There were three lads blocking my way and stopping me getting through a set of doors, as there was a set of doors on each floor. The school bell had gone and I was getting panicky as I didn’t want to be late for class. I was also still getting used to the layout of the school. All of a sudden these lads just pushed me against the door and I was cornered. They pulled my bag off my shoulder, pulled my shirt over my head and pushed me down the flight of stairs I had just come up. I remember looking up from the bottom and seeing them laughing.

I was in a bad way. Shaking from head to toe and from my wrist to my elbow was pumping blood. I held my hand tight to my chest, left my bag and went to the school office. The school nurse helped and asked me what had happened but I told her I tripped and fell down the stairs. I was afraid of being a disappointment to my parents. I was afraid of the same lads coming after me again. I didn’t want to make matters worse. The consequences of being ‘the rat’ in school was that they’d come after you again, and again. I was sent home and had a few days off.

I remember trying to go back into the school the following Monday and just broke down. I was at the school gates with my mother, and I just froze and burst out in hysterics, my chest was tight, struggled to breathe telling her I couldn’t go in. I didn’t know at the time but I was having a panic attack – I honestly felt that if I went into school, it could be the end of me.

We went home and I talked it out. We went into the school the next day and reported it. The lads who were involved got detention and suspended for a couple of days. They were brought to the school office when I was there, and I was in horror because they would then know it was me who pointed them out. We were told by the Principal that this was my ‘First Year beating’. It was just “the consequences of being a First Year Student” My parents were upset and angry by this, naturally.

It was clear what kind of role models the school had and wanted. It was all about the sports accolades they could achieve. Pardon the French, but I couldn’t give a shit about their accolades! I just wanted to get an education, do well and move on.

From that day on, I left school. I was given tuition for nearly a year even though it was meant to take me up to my Junior Cert but there was Government cutbacks.

I was seeing a teen psychologist at the time. I wasn’t sleeping, always thinking of what happened and looking ahead of what could happen next. I lost trust in people. Once again I didn’t know it at the time, but I had PTSD. I got more and more withdrawn. School is meant to be your safe place and adults are meant to protect you.

I was doing ok, and slowly getting back on track but I had the pressure to return to school. The education welfare officer for Galway actually started calling out to my house personally and said, ‘Chris you’re going to have to go back to school in Second Year.’ He said, I could go back to the same school. I said, ‘If you want to see me live, you wouldn’t ask me that’.

I was then told I could go to another school, he couldn’t tell me that the bullying wouldn’t happen again and that I’d be protected if it did. I wanted to go back to school, I wanted to get an education. But how do I explain to this guy that I’m not sleeping. I’m up till 4am having nightmares and at the time, as a 13-year-old, literally wetting the bed. They saw me as a number, and they wanted me back at school.

He went on to say that they were cutting the tuition funding and that I would have to go back to school. I got so stressed out. My anxiety and stress levels was through the roof!

I remember walking along the canal one day and thought, I’m not going to be a burden to myself any more, I’m not going to be a burden to others, I’m not going to be a disappointment to my parents any more. If I’m dead, my parents wouldn’t have to worry about me and could move on with their lives.

I got onto the bridge and knew I can’t swim so that would have been it. All of a sudden, two lads from my neighbourhood walked towards me and whistled, inviting me to go back to their house to play videogames. That simple act brought me back to the present moment and stopped me in my tracks. They were around the same age as me so I don’t know if they understood what I was about to do. I don’t know to this day if they’ve heard it, read it or even remember it. I still talk to them but I haven’t brought it up.

My parents didn’t know about the suicide attempt till my psychologist brought them in to tell them. They told me that they weren’t disappointed or upset and that if I ever felt like that again, I was to talk to them. I know they were really worried and was trying to deal with it on my own.

I was literally left to my own devices after the suicide attempt as regards to education. I got a little more tuition after that but it only lasted another few months. That was the end of my formal education. After some failed attempts to return to school, I was adamant never to return.

I had a lot of anger I had to let go of. I would have liked to have least gotten my Junior Cert and had more education behind me because I did struggle a bit but I moved forward and got by with what I had.

We had a computer at home, so I would educate myself. I would learn about things I was interested in like photography and if I struggled with words, I’d look them up. I kept listening to the radio and watched TV and would learn topics from there. I’d ask my parents or my brother if I didn’t know something.

I did get depressed and bored because I’d be left at home, but I did try to be productive. To the average parent, it’s probably a shower of No-Nos, to let your kid watch TV all day.

But I’d watch TV and learn so much about broadcasting – from the presenter to the production. I thought, I want to do that! It took most of my teenage years before my confidence grew back to where it should have been, I realized I could be who I want to be. With thanks to the help from professionals which gave me the tools I needed to help cope with the mental health issues that surrounds the impact of bullying along with having support from family and friends I left the bullying trauma behind and moved forward with my life.

One day, I saw a poster calling for presenters for college radio, did a demo and pitched myself. I’ve been in radio for the last eight years and as I write this, Television is coming! My career has only started.

As regards to bullying, a lot more needs to be done. Schools and Workplaces need to put more effort into their chain of priorities. I give bullying awareness talks regularly and have received brilliant feedback and the usual response is that the personal stories make more of an impact. The number of victims continue to rise along with the results of suicide being the only option – let me tell you it’s not! Don’t let the bullies win. You deserve to live the life you want to. NOBODY should get in your way. The Bullies themselves need to get help and be reminded that picking on and controlling others is not OK.

Other stories I’ve come across have been worse than mine and with social media being misused as a vicious tool in making it easier for bullies to target their victims – don’t get me started! But if this happening to you delete and report the comments, don’t read into them. Remember its someone hidden behind a phone or laptop. Were taught from a very young age to show kindness and respect others, sadly some choose to ignore this.

My full story can be found in Mental Health for Millennials volumes 4 & 6, published by Book Hub Publishing.