Firstly, I want to take this chance to tell you a little bit about my dad, Seanie. He died in a tragic car accident and passed away instantly. I was 9 when he died but I have always said that I feel grateful to have had those 9 years with him. He was a man of raw intelligence and a hunger for learning. He had a very tough life but always retained his curiosity of the world and his sense of humour. His greatest talent in life was making people feel special and safe. He made you feel like you were the greatest and most fascinating person in the world. He loved with his whole heart and wore his heart of his sleeve. He was fiercely adventurous. He was the most talented artist. One time he drew me a picture of the presenters from the Den and sent it into RTE on behalf of me. I won a Den pen and it was the coolest thing I ever had! I brought that pen proudly to school and showed everyone I could. I was a nervous kid and I liked to do everything I was told. I remember one day when I was in junior infants and my dad was bringing me to school. I forgot my pencil case and started getting really upset because I thought I’d get into trouble. My dad ran out after leaving me into my class and bought me a new one right there and then. That was the kind of person he was. If you said you were cold, my dad would give you his coat. It wouldn’t matter if he was cold, he looked after the people he loved and he gave them everything he had.
Shock
The first thing that hit me when he died was the pure shock. That sort of pain is indescribable. That day I felt my heart physically break. It doesn’t matter how old you are or where you are in your life, losing a parent is heart-breaking. That sort of pain feels so unreal. When my dad died, I experienced post-traumatic stress and I was afraid I’d never remember him again. I couldn’t remember what he looked like, what he smelled like and what his hugs felt like. One day I had a dad and the next day he was gone. I thought I would never remember him ever again and that scared me but this wasn’t true. This was a trick that my brain played on me and this wasn’t true at all. It took me years but I grabbed onto the only solace that soothed me and that was art. I took art and used it to retrace my memory of my dad. My dad had taught me how to draw and I began to remember things after I drew. Most of the time it was just doodles but the memories of him returned. It took time but I began to remember things piece by piece over the years. I also took the happy memories of him and recorded them and looked at them when I was down.
The one thing that helped in a huge way was the kindness of family, friends and sometimes even strangers. I’ll tell you something, I’ve never seen such kindness as I did the years after my dad died. That sort of tragedy makes people realise what love and compassion really are. Some people will come out the wood work that you never even expected. Don’t be proud, you don’t have to be alone in your sadness. When you are ready, reach out but only when you are ready. You don’t need to rush to get back. Your life will never been the same when they are gone but you can try rebuild it for the better. You can do it, I know you can. If you already have, you should be proud. They would be too.
Living
I’ll tell you something true and honest, the first few weeks are the worst but it will get better after that. You just need to take it day by day. Speaking from experience, you are not forgetting them. They would want to have the best life and they wouldn’t want to stay sad for too long. You should do something in there honour, plant a tree, raise money for a charity or write about them. In these ways their story lives on and they are never truly gone.
Healing
Everybody is different, some people find talking helps and some find it doesn’t. My advice would be, either way don’t hold onto your pain for too long. I’m speaking from experience, negative thoughts fester and that is not healthy. You owe yourself more and you deserve better than that. You don’t have to go to counselling but talk to someone. Sharing can help but share with a person you trust. Words have more power than you think, once you say it out loud, you can be on the road to accepting it. You don’t have to tell them everything just a little, to lighten your load. From there you can start to heal. For me healing has been combining different things: spirituality, art and love. I need to believe in something and for me, I believe in yoga and meditation. It keeps me grounded, it keeps me calm and I enjoy it. My dad taught me art and it’s something I do to keep his memory alive. When I forget who I am, art helps me get back to myself. Love is the last and most important thing. When my dad died, I thought “Why would I speak to anyone else when he person I loved most is gone?” I blocked everyone out and wouldn’t let anyone in. I built very high walls and was afraid to love. I was afraid that if I loved, I’d lose them too. I kept everyone at a distance; friends, family and boyfriends. This was the one thing has been monumental in healing, love is so important. I’ve learned that the reason I built those walls wasn’t to keep people away but it also was because I didn’t believe I deserved love. The key to healing is carefully building a network of people that love you and genuinely want what’s best for you. This also means you. It’s not weird or conceited to love yourself, it’s healthy.
Moving on
If you are reading this, you have probably experienced losing a loved one. I’m so sorry and I know what it’s like. I want you to know that you are not alone. This person was here and you loved them. I’m sure they knew how much you loved them even if you didn’t say the words. This kind of pain can be excruciating but you will heal. It will take time but you need to help yourself. You need to be your own friend and care for yourself. Only you can deal with your pain and in your own way. Don’t close yourself off, let people in. Life will change when they are gone but that’s not a bad thing. It’s a time to rebuild and carry on in their honour. My dad was a kindest and most creative man and I swore I’d carry on his legacy. You can do the same with your loved one. They are never truly gone because you hold them in your memory and your heart. You will always be in there’s too, so try and live the life they would have wanted for you.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here: