I make no secret that I’ve suffered from depression; it’s something that snuck up on me in the form of negative thoughts that chipped away at my self-esteem until I was left feeling worthless. By the time I realised I needed help, I had decided I was not worth it.
It was like this for a number of years for me. I would continue living my life but in my head I was miserable. For me, I saw two options in front of me: go to therapy or end my life, but for the longest time I chose neither, instead I put off that decision for as long as I could. While I knew far less about mental health supports then than I do now, I never made that first step to reach out. I convinced myself that the supports were better suited to somebody else. That there was somebody else who was more worth it than me and that I was too far gone. It wasn’t that I had a problem admitting to myself that something was wrong; I just refused to think there was a solution, so I did nothing about it and continued living until I found a justification to stop.
That justification came when I turned 16 and I tried to end my life. Thankfully I backed out at the last second and the next morning I told my mother about it. It was not an easy conversation for me, as I was forced to see the pain the very idea of me not being around any more caused her. We went to the hospital and about a month later I was sitting in therapy talking to a professional. Looking back, the therapy itself while helpful, did not change much for my point of view of myself. Instead, slowly and steadily telling my friends and family about what happened made me realise how wrong I was. Seeing how much they cared about me and wanted to help helped me to begin to realise that I deserve to be alive and to feel happy about myself.
This wasn’t an instant change for me, while I had internalised that I needed to keep living, it was a long time before I wanted to keep living. Once I was finished with my first time in therapy, I started volunteering and becoming a person I was able to actually like. Sure, I still had negative thoughts about myself, but they became fewer and further between. More importantly though, I learned how to handle these thoughts when they came, and how to get through the bad days when they came. Eventually, I began opening up to those around me when I’m not feeling great, and now I have a support system around me to help make sure that a bad day isn’t quite as bad as it used to be.
I think the main thing I have taken away from my experience, is that nobody is too far gone or not worth helping. If you read this and it somewhat resonates with you, I want you to know that you are worth it. You deserve to get the help you need and while it may not be easy, you deserve to have somebody there to support you. It took me reaching the edge and coming back to realise I was worth getting help, but it doesn’t have to be the same for you. There are supports out there for you, no matter what you’re suffering from right now, they are there, and you deserve to get their help.