When I had my first major anxiety attack it took me completely by surprise. Yes, I’d felt nervous in the past but really only natural nerves, the kind you get before a big presentation or job interview. I knew deep down that once I got going I’d be fine and the nerves would dissipate.
This time I felt like I’d been punched hard right in the face. I was totally out of sorts, sweating, cold, dizzy, shaking and extremely concerned about what everyone thought of me.
My first major panic attack happened when I was giving a presentation in a business setting, with a group of people eagerly awaiting my wisdom. The shame and judgment I felt was massive. I would have loved to have been swallowed up by the ground at that point. That day was the beginning of a number of years of struggle for me. Each day, the what if’s and worst case scenarios would pulse through my mind, always keeping me on edge and constantly drip fed with adrenalin.
On one occasion I was interviewing a potential employee, when I broke out sweating, a lot! The person stopped talking and looked at me and said ‘are you okay? You look really nervous?’ to which I replied ‘no I’m fine, please, carry on’. Oh no I thought, my secret is going to get out and then everyone will know. What am I going to do? Obviously that person didn’t get the job. Secret safe for now.
My anxiety kicked off because of the huge amount of pressure I was under, some self-induced, some from work, some from home. I was desperately trying to make the anxiety stop while keeping everything intact.
Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.
Everyday keeping the anxiety at bay, fighting it, suppressing it and feeling generally terrible was doing nothing but feeding it and making it grow.
I remember a conversation with a mentor I had at the time and I asked him ‘am I broken? Or is my job and situation causing me to be anxious all the time?’ To which he replied very simply ‘why don’t you leave your job and find out.’
Many of us are under huge pressure and we don’t even realise it, wearing masks trying to impress people at work, or in relationships that don’t serve us. Even just trying to fit in. That ultimately comes at a cost. Some can manage the downside, but for others it rises to the surface.
Anxiety is just one output of a disconnected life. For others it may be depression or being overweight. But there is always a cost of doing things that are not in line with who you really are.
My salvation came when I started to take some of the pressure off myself and share what was going on for me. I had conversations and told people ‘I’m not perfect, I have anxiety, it’s been really hard for the last few years.’
In sharing my struggle this amazing thing happened, I realised that EVERYONE I spoke to was struggling. Not necessarily with anxiety, but many were. For others it may have been depression, financial stress, body issues.
It blew me away that by opening the door to a conversation, by talking about some of what was going on for me, people felt compelled to share their story as well.
Vulnerability when reciprocated is a beautiful thing.
Of course there were people that didn’t always have much to say back, but I could tell there was more under the surface. Perhaps they were not ready to share yet. That’s okay too.
If nothing else I’ve learned that I wasn’t alone in what I was going through. The stigma is still there, but people are understanding and compassionate when given the chance.
I’d encourage you to start a conversation (this will likely not be easy) but I can tell you that the biggest growth I’ve had in my life has been through doing things that are particularly uncomfortable.
Magic awaits on the other side of difficult conversations. I’ve seen it.
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