One of my earliest memories is knowing that I was going to die. Not fearing it, not worrying about it but viscerally experiencing the moment of absolute certainty that I was going to die and so were all of my loved ones. I remember, leaping from my bed and turning on all the lights, fighting to catch a breath I ran downstairs, ripping my throat apart with the power of a terrified scream, pushing my sweat-drenched palms into the wall to propel me down the stairs and into my mother’s arms. Her worried face is etched in my mind, as her soothing shushes slowly eased my heart rate and unclenched the knot in my stomach. She was not worried for my immediate safety, but worried about why her little girl was racing downstairs yet again consumed by what we had come to call “the feeling.”
I didn’t have the vocabulary to explain my feelings then, I wouldn’t for many years. It was my mother, a health care professional who eventually realised that I could not continue to live my life in this version of normal. I was 19 when I first attended cognitive behavioral therapy and finally learned that I was not ‘broken’, I was not a freak and I was not losing my mind. When the therapist explained generalized anxiety disorder to me, the tears of relief poured down my face and 19 years of uncertainty, shame, guilt and fear ebbed from the recesses of my inner-most being.
I was so grateful that someone could explain me to me. I was so relieved that there were tools and strategies available to help me; and I was heartbroken that I had been in the dark for so long.
Those close to me know that I talk too much, I over-share and will offer opinions and advice long before I’m asked for them. These may not be my finest qualities, but it does mean that armed with some knowledge about mental health I went out into my world and shared my experiences. When I recognised behaviors in others, I reached out and offered any insights I felt might help. When I tried a CBT technique, read informative articles about mental health and learned about Mindfulness and Wellbeing, I encouraged others to do the same. With friends, family and co-workers I was open and I know I was able to help some others take some of their first steps toward understanding and addressing their issues.
In my professional life as a teacher, things were different. In this environment, mental health issues are often discussed but in relation to our students and offering them support. In the staffroom, it was a different story. We would collect money for flowers or send messages to our colleagues with physical illnesses, but no one was openly taking sick leave for mental health days. In the professional environment shame, guilt and fear are still predominant. People still talk in hushed tones about mental health. Very few people are willing to explain they need a day off because they suffer from depression, their anxiety is becoming problematic or that they need some time to seek therapy. Instagram is full of self-care tips but actually taking the time for your emotional, or mental wellbeing is rarely viewed in a positive light. Taking care of our mental health and Wellbeing is still shrouded from society to a degree that can be damaging. Guilt and shame are still entangled in the web of Irish society though progress it seems, is being made.
In July 2018 Minister Bruton introduced his Department’s Wellbeing Policy Statement and Framework for Practice 2018-2023, outlining new responsibilities for schools with regard to supporting student Wellbeing. Despite the fact that Research suggests that for wellbeing programs to be impactful in schools, they should be integrated within the curricula of every class across all subject areas as opposed to separated into a single ‘wellness’ class, schools in Ireland struggle to do this as they must find ways to fill the quota of hours offered through a select number of subjects or by offering specifically designed short courses. Teaching is recognised as a highly stressful occupation and yet we ask teachers with limited training to now adapt to this new circumstance. Teachers are feeling the strain and pressure and yet like so many professionals are wondering ‘what about my wellbeing?’ We explain to students that they should be open, they should seek help, they should talk and yet if we fail to practice what we teach. Until we acknowledge that mental health is something that we all need to work on, we cannot make impactful change in the lives of the younger generations.
As an English teacher I often get a deeper insight into my students through classroom discussions and their personal writing. I see that there is a change. Through social media and online content, my students have an awareness and vocabulary that I never did. They want to take care of their mental health and wellbeing. When I began to adopt a Mindful approach to my teaching the students were receptive and began to ask for more of the lessons I had crafted, which included Mindful practices. They understand and recognise that their wellbeing is something they have a large degree of control over. They can access sites like A Lust For Life or listen to podcasts and see that their experiences are in fact a shared experience and that is something that makes me truly hopeful for the future. I just hope that in this future, guilt, shame and fear are replaced with a real acknowledgment that for all of us, at any time it is ok not to be ok.
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