I’m no longer ashamed of my depression – surviving it is a massive triumph

I feel it’s time to share my story in the best way I know how and that’s writing it down. I write a lot but I have never had the courage to write about this topic out of fear of the judgement. For a long time my story has been a private narrative, a never ending internal dialogue and a weight on my shoulders which has battered my ego and self-esteem for longer than anyone should allow. However, talking about these things can aid in the acceptance and it might help someone else experiencing the same so here I go!

I am 28 now, when my story first began I was the tender age of 24. It all began when I graduated with a degree which is something I never thought I would achieve. When I was finishing school all I cared about was partying and having fun but something changed that. When I was 19 I became a Mother to a beautiful little girl. I wanted to better myself and my life for my daughter. This is why I went to college, the girl who nearly failed her leaving cert was now studying all night and putting her utmost effort into every assignment. I now had a focus, I had a reason, I wasn’t doing it for me, I was doing it for her.

So with all this in mind you would think where my story begins, graduating with a degree, I would be overjoyed with emotion and pride but I was anything but. You see it was at this time that I began to suffer with depression. At 24 during this happy period of my life, a defining moment of my life, I felt as if I were a spectator, watching everything, feeling nothing. I was distant, scared and terrified because I didn’t know who I was anymore or why I was feeling this way. I should have been jumping for joy having achieved something I had worked so hard for but I was more miserable than I had ever been.

So this was the beginning of my story, and I suppose the theme of it, I would love to say now, four years on, that a miracle pill came along and cured everything and I am totally free of depression but I’m not and I don’t think I ever will be. When this first began I racked my brains so much over what had happened at this time to cause this depression. Did I do something differently? Why did my life suddenly change? The answer that I have come to realise is it had nothing to do with that time in my life, I didn’t do anything differently, nothing happened, nothing changed. What I have discovered through my journey with depression is that I have always suffered from depression, it just didn’t affect me as much in the past.

When I had my little girl and started college, I suddenly had a purpose and a distraction from my lack of self-confidence and insecurities. I dreamed of the day I would walk onto the podium and accept my degree, it would be my defining moment, however, it wasn’t that moment that would define me.

In life we are taught that these kinds of moments are the ones to be proud of, education is the pivotal achievement of your life and I wholeheartedly believed that. This is why following on from my degree, and in my first dark year of suffering from depression, I completed a master’s degree. I went another step up on the ladder of education, surely this would make me happy? Surely I would feel an overwhelming sense of achievement? Sadly this also was not meant to be.

I had bought into the belief that achieving these things would cure my depression, it would make me love myself, it would make me mindful and at peace in my life but I wasn’t. I have learned in my journey with depression that these achievements mean nothing if I cannot love myself, if I cannot respect myself and if I cannot live with myself. I had achieved things I had never dreamed of achieving but my biggest achievement was yet to come (in fact it might be another few years in the making). You see, besides motherhood, my biggest achievement in life is not a degree, it’s not a masters, it’s not these things that society has told me are achievements, my biggest achievement to date is surviving depression. My biggest achievement is sitting here being able to share my story. There were times when I was lower than I have ever been, when I have found no purpose or reason to live but I’m still here.

I have gone through years of suffering in silence and am now no longer ashamed to tell my story. This for me is another achievement. I have tried to run from depression, I’ve thrown myself into work, into alcohol, into distractions only to find it still waiting for me lurking around the corner but now I am no longer afraid. I am not afraid to admit that I suffer from depression, no it doesn’t cure it but being able to tell my family I am having a bad day and for them to understand what I mean has lifted so much weight.

Depression has torn my life apart, it has changed me in more ways than I could have ever have imagined. Depression is something that is part of me and part of who I am, it has brought me to my darkest moments but I have made it back. I have learned more with this struggle than you could ever learn in any book. Every day I achieve something by living with this illness. I manage to work, raise a child and live a productive life despite this illness and that’s an achievement.

I want to share my story because I believe depression isn’t something to be ashamed of, coping and living with this disease day to day is a massive achievement and triumph for anyone. Yes, this is my story but it is so many others too, I am not alone in this illness. For anyone out there who may be suffering through the same struggles as I did share your thoughts and feelings with people you trust, a problem shared is a problem halved, and writing this I feel mine is too, thanks for reading.