If you are thinking of suicide, please talk to someone. It saved my life.

I am a 31 year old man who has and does occasionally still suffer from depression.

I would first start out by saying that I had a great childhood with a loving family. However, this all began to change when I started secondary school and the bullying started. I was not sure and am still not sure why I was the one who was picked on. My only relief in school came in the form of P.E. or the times when certain classmates who I will forever be grateful to stood up for me. I could not wait to leave school and leave home but in reality this is where my problems started.

I decided that the old me was just going to have to disappear and the new me would be more confident in every way. However this did not go as planned and on my first day of college I was invited for a pint by a classmate I had just met, and deciding I wanted to fit in I went with him to the bar. This is where I spent my first 6 weeks of college, living in a world of drinking whenever I wanted and then lying to my parents about how well my studies were going.

This all came to a head one night when I went down to the pub as usual. I was getting, what in hindsight probably were good natured digs thrown at me, when a guy said something to me that struck a nerve. And honestly to this day I cannot even remember what he said. I got frustrated and threw a punch. I do not want to go into details but I ended up being arrested. I feared I would get sent to prison and walking home over the bridge I distinctly remember giving serious consideration to jumping in the river. I had been lying to my parents and felt I had let them down, but my first thought was would they really miss me?

Thankfully, I didn’t decide to jump in. However in the short term life got worse. When my parents eventually found out after 12 months of keeping my attack a secret, everything just spiralled out of control. I was once again worried constantly about prison which made me turn to alcohol as a get out clause. I also just want to acknowledge that I did not end up in prison due to the goodwill from a lot of people, including the victim in this case.

However, at one stage I got so worried about going to prison that I thought strongly about taking my own life and took action on it. As I was attempting it I realised I should wait till my parents weren’t at home as it might ease the pain for them. This might sound a ridiculous statement but depression is an illness that means straight thinking is not something that is foremost in the persons mind.

Let me say at this point that the worse thing I ever tried and my biggest regret is when my mother came into my room and found me trying to take my own life. If she had not come in then, would I be here writing this? Chances are, probably not.

Soon after that I went on a couple of dates with a girl I had met. On our 2nd date in the middle of a nightclub she told me she didn’t want to see me anymore. I was devastated, I had the humiliation of having nowhere to go and no one I knew was around. I walked aimlessly around in tears and it was at that moment I decided I was not good enough and the river would be a nice place to finally go into. It wasn’t nice but at least I wouldn’t ruin the house at home and my body would probably be found in a few days. As I said, logical thinking was abandoned.

I was just about to get on the bridge when I had a lightbulb moment. I felt I was selfish yes, but surely a better way out would be to take my own life at home so my parents could find me straight away. I rang my mother in tears and to my shame was crying on the phone. As usual my mother was there for me and drove straight down to collect me and bring me home.

I spent the next 2 days in bed and after doing some research through talking to friends my mother asked me would I try anti-depressants. I figured that anything that would help me get through would be brilliant. So my mother went into town and the chemist to ask about them. Whilst in there a woman said to my mother would I like to go and talk to someone instead as there was a brilliant councillor above the chemist. With hesitancy I said I would try this.

It wasn’t easy at first as I was afraid of being judged, however after a few sessions I got more comfortable with expressing my feelings and over time grew into a more confident person. I grew to realise that the most important things in my life were the things I had been neglecting to do, the main one being was to love myself.

It is now ten years since I first went to that councillor and life hasn’t been good all the time! But that is the joy of living; you never know what will happen next!

However if life went the way I wanted it to, I would not have the close relationship I have with my family, friends and girlfriend and would not be writing this now.

My main reason to write this is to say to anyone who is considering suicide or feeling that they may have depression then please, just do not give up. There will be light at the end of the tunnel, you may not see it yet but trust me it is there. I would encourage you to please just talk to someone trustworthy, whether it is a family member, friend, work colleague, or if you can – make an appointment with a professional councillor/psychologist/therapist. Finding the right person to help you through is totally doable, and talking helps. It saved my life.

You may feel like you are not going to be missed but you will be, and every day I wake up now is a good day. It may not be amazing or something bad may happen but please just realise that there is someone there you mean the world to and they need you as much as you need them.

If you or someone you love is feeling suicidal, please contact:

• Pieta House: Suicide and Self Harm Crisis Centre – pieta.ie
• Feeling suicidal? – samaritans.org
• Suicide is not the way – suicideorsurvive.ie
• A List of phone and online support services from yourmentalhealth.ie