Ever since I wrote publicly about my struggle with depression, I’ve wondered if people look at me differently. A lot of people told me that “I didn’t seem the type” to have mental health issues. Or that they would have never known what I was dealing with. I started to understand the warped perception society has of people with mental health issues. Yes, on the outside I was a very happy, positive person. But, in actual fact, I was too happy. I wasn’t dealing with my problems, constantly pushing them deeper down, covering them with a forced smile, a slightly manic laugh – all in the hope they would just go away.
But when I had my son, Jamie, all of these deep rooted issues came to the surface and spilled out in the ugly form of postnatal depression. It was such a confusing and frustrating time and I assaulted myself with constant questions: ‘Why aren’t I as happy as other new mothers?’ ‘Why does life seem so bleak?’ ‘Why am I such a horrible mother that I can’t find the joy?’ ‘What will people think if I tell them how I’m feeling?’. Even after I sought help, I kept the true reality of my condition to myself. If people knew I was on medication and going to therapy, maybe people think I was crazy, weak, lazy, attention seeking…
I still struggle sometimes with the thought that people think I’m seeking attention through this illness. Especially because I need to speak about it, I need to get it out there. Because sharing helps, talking helps, knowing you’re not alone helps bring you back from the brink. And why shouldn’t we speak about it? If I broke my leg, I would talk about it. If you had the flu, would you be ashamed to speak about it?
Because when I did speak out and share my story – although it was very scary – I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I wasn’t carrying around this shameful secret anymore and the truth became clear: I have nothing to be ashamed of. This is a very common illness that many of us deal with. It doesn’t make us weak. In fact, I believe we have the inner strength that allows us to fight against our demons and seek help so we can cope with day to day life that, for some reason, we find harder to do than others.
Like anything, there will always be people who don’t understand and therefore judge. If reading my story – or indeed tweets or quotes that I post when I’m having a bad day – make you feel uncomfortable, well, lucky you. You should count yourself fortunate that you simply feel discomfort and don’t have to live with these feelings and constant battles against your own mind.
For me, speaking out about these feelings normalises it and it becomes less daunting for me to try to overcome. I believe that keeping your bad feelings and thoughts to yourself only make them more toxic. Because, now that my friends and family know my struggles, I have a huge amount of support. Even if you feel like those around you are not supportive, there are a lot of us online that are there to listen and let you know that you are not alone.
Another fear, women with Postnatal depression have is that, if they tell people how they are feeling, that their child could be taken off them. When in fact, the fact that you’re reaching out and seeking help is the best thing you can you do for you and your family. The fact that you worry about being a good mother shows that you already are.
Another misconception about women with postnatal mental illness is that we are one of those women you hear about in the news. The ones that harm their children and yes, when this happens it’s horrific and so sad, because that women was struggling so much she couldn’t take anymore. But in reality it’s less than 0.1% of sick mothers who do this, the more likely outcome is that they harm themselves rather than their children. It’s uncomfortable to speak about but its reality, too many women have lost their lives because of this illness. The reasons? Stigma, lack of support, lack of understanding and lack of practical, free help.
Counselling and therapy is so expensive that most people simply can’t afford it. It’s now 3 and a half years since I’ve had my son and I’m still on a waiting list. The irony is that now my child is over 3, it’s very unlikely that I’m going to get the call. I was very lucky to be able to afford private therapy. But it was and still is a struggle but without it, where would I be? I don’t even want to imagine. In the last 3 years that I’ve been on the waiting list, anything could have happened. I’ve sent countless emails to the HSE and T.Ds and I’ve yet to receive one response. It’s disgraceful and I feel very let down by my government. But if we keep speaking out, we will evoke change.
I would like to finish by saying you are enough. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not weak. You are not a bad mother, wife, friend. You are strong and you are doing the best you can. And you most certainly are not alone.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here: