A quick search for mental health related hashtags on any social media platform will produce millions of results. On Instagram alone; #depression resulted in 16.2 million posts, #anxiety 9.3 million posts and #mentalhealth 7.2 million at the time of writing.
All of which determines that for better or for worse, mental health is a trend online.
My own contribution to this discussion is minute, disproportionate when looking at the detail in numbers, but my openness in talking about emotional difficulties and the challenges I’ve faced in life can only be appropriated as worthy or not at a basic human level rather than through the means of an algorithm.
Writing has always offered solace; a creative base to deconstruct, piece back together and collectively articulate my feelings more than speaking ever could. I’m often nervous, fast-paced and tripping up on words when addressing matters around mental health or mental illness when speaking aloud, so I chose to write. Essays, poems, monologues; a mix of true-to-life experiences and deep-rooted metaphors to take whatever disturbances swirled around my mind to give them context and a place to breathe.
I shared these pieces on a blog which was only visable to the eye of strangers in a cyber sphere removed from family and friends. I justified my transparency through the adage: “if it can help just one person.”
I got brave, making a video detailing in full my long running self-destruction following years of bullying in school and where it eventually lead me to, noose and all. I shared it with the world.
With utmost good intentions I believed my harrowing story would be important in the big speak around mental health awareness, dispelling any notion of the clean-cut reportage on the subject which seemed so dominant in mainstream media. Depression, low mood, anxiety, in reality it is beyond harrowing and I could portray all this with my story.
What I didn’t take into account was that for loved ones, close friends and people who knew me well this would be their first time hearing I had been struggling, let alone the disturbing specifics of my internal conflict. It could help someone I thought, but I never considered it could harm someone in equal measure.
I received a lot of praise for my courage to speak out but in the midst of it all what resulted was alot of difficult, awkward conversations and admissions of guilt and upset from people in my life having learned I had been struggling so much. I figured these were important conversations to have but I quickly saw the hurt, the confusion and lack of understanding on a matter so overwhelming to people that a 5 minute YouTube clip was never going to solve the mental health crisis that exists today.
I had convinced myself that a full confession was required when opening up about my difficulties. I believed this was the only way in which I could offer a complete understanding about how bad the crisis is in society today and what tore me apart and brought me to the brink. I felt to hold back would be holding back the progression needed in maintaining the discussion around emotional understanding in this country.
What I didn’t realise was that to just say the words: ‘I am struggling’ was enough. That very sentence bolsters the very admission that life can be tough sometimes, that every single one of us will be stumped either emotionally or intellectually and when the tools to cope are not at the ready, the situation can worsen as it did for me.
Mental health awareness very much exists but that awareness can grow stale in a society hounded with hollow diversions & fallow influence. In sharing my journey, I’ve learned to be more considerate of an audience that is still very much uneducated on so many aspects of such a complex issue.
We all leave trails of affection and adversity that can be followed and picked upon. Human connection is vital and as important as it is to prompt altruism and human decency in community under the umbrella of mental health progression, advocacy must start with a level of “good selfishness” in helping and protecting ourselves first.