I was in the middle of an intense workout session at the gym when I felt light-headed and realized that my heart was racing – almost as though it was going to pound right out of the chest. After a particularly troubling visit to the doctor’s, I found out that I’d just suffered from a panic attack; the first of many to come.
Over the next year, I’d suffer from sudden feelings of terror, coupled with anxiety, that strike out of nowhere. I could be grocery shopping, talking to a friend, walking down the sidewalk: the panic attacks struck regardless if I was actually feeling anxious or not. Pretty soon, I was suffering from unexplained anxiety and panic attacks daily.
Down the rabbit hole
You might be thinking: why didn’t I seek further medical help? Well, here’s my confession: the doctor had prescribed me with Xanax during my very first visit. If you don’t know what Xanax is, it is a benzodiazepine medication that provides an almost immediate calming effect.
Now, Xanax is really meant to be used as an initial treatment for my general anxiety disorder (GAD); it’s not a long-term medication because it’s highly addictive and habit forming. I should have gone back to the doctor’s for a long-term treatment plan, but I didn’t. I was just going through a lot in that period: my parents got divorced, and I’d just landed a high-paying consulting job.
I came to look forward to the almost euphoric calming effects that Xanax provided me with. On occasions where I needed only to take 1 pill, I took 2. And when my prescription ran out, I started sourcing for it from friends, and from anyone willing to sell it to me – I was desperate to avoid the associated withdrawal symptoms.
Trust me: I tried to go without Xanax for a day, and I experienced such intense heart palpitations that I thought I was going to die.
My journey with yoga
The public’s widespread stigmatized attitudes about drug substance abuse and addiction made it challenging to reveal my struggle with Xanax. I was up for a promotion at my career, and I couldn’t afford to check myself into a rehabilitation center; that might have meant a complete stop to my climbing of the corporate ladder.
Thankfully, a close friend of mine who came to know of my plight (accidentally) reached out to me and introduced me to yoga – a popular holistic drug addiction treatment.
It wasn’t long before yoga became the keystone of my recovery: I took my yoga mat with me anywhere I went; on family vacations, business trips, and even to girlfriend retreats! I was experiencing near sacred moments on the mat – instances of intense bliss, connection to something that transcends my small, finite self, and processing of my deeply-buried grief and trauma. I was healing through yoga!
And I knew I wasn’t the only one recovering because of yoga. Yoga’s therapeutic benefits have been rigorously studied in recent decades and have proven as a promising therapy for healing addiction. After all, the fact that you’d be hard-pressed to find a holistic recovery center or any holistic recovery programs that don’t offer some form of yoga these days is a testament to its healing properties.
The ways yoga therapy helped me recover
Yoga has supported me through uncountable ways to recovery from my Xanax addiction, so for brevity’s sake, I’m just going to share 2 crucial points here.
1. Eliminated my reactiveness
When I’d first picked up the mat, my reactiveness was out of control – my mood was in constant flux, and I’d commonly go from love to hate in merely seconds. I had zero control over my reactiveness; I allowed external stimuli to dictate what I was feeling at that moment.
But the steady practice of yoga changed that for me – it taught me that I have the power to control my reaction to external cues. I don’t have to get raging mad when someone accidentally spills coffee on my bag: I could simply take a few deep breaths and forgive the person.
And it’s not just all in my mind: research shows that yoga does provide significant improvements relating to stress response for those who practice it regularly.
2. Provided me with a caring community
I didn’t opt for the AA route, and because of that, the community has been a bit of a rough spot. Not many around me knew of my Xanax addiction, and those who knew couldn’t always be there for me. Thankfully, I found that the yoga community is one of the most supportive ones available.
Because of my day job, I typically need to get my yoga sessions at 6AM. Even at this unbearably early timing, I always find myself with a roomful of compassionate individuals. To us, our yoga sessions are a form of holistic rehab – we’ve specially made time to clear the mental clutter from their brains.
It’s extraordinarily heartening to feel their presence beside me as I meet my Xanax demons on the mat. And besides, the girly get-togethers on weekends to shop for shoes and clothes don’t hurt one bit!
Conclusion
One of my favorite quotes comes from Sri Swami Satchidananda, an Indian spiritual master, and yoga adept. He says, “If you look for artificial heights, then you will also have to face artificial depths.” Yoga and its meditative properties have taught me to draw my awareness away from artificial stimuli (like Xanax) that fed my senses. It’s taught me to detach from my physical senses and direct my attention where it needs to be: inwards.
Because of yoga, I’ve become less inclined to chase the high externally; instead, I pursue the pleasure that lies within. I know that the natural high I get from yoga and meditation far surpasses any kind I could get with Xanax. And this is the reason why I recommend a holistic approach to recovery: it heals from the inside. Best part? No more panic and anxiety attacks!