How I manage my anxiety

As I begin writing this I question if I will truly be able to convey how difficult it is to manage anxiety. Until about three years ago the word anxiety didn’t even feature much in my vocabulary, mainly because I didn’t fully understand what it was.

The root of it I believe began when I was about four years old as a result of an overly critical teacher. Unfortunately, this experience is what I feel instilled such fear in me. I remember the terror that anxiety inflicts on its prey. Of course, at such a young age I was completely unaware that these fears would become embedded in me and follow me like a shadow into adulthood.

I was always the worrier and that’s the mentality I had for years. I was just a worrier.  Even when I thought I was losing my mind, it was just worrying. Nothing more. The reality was it was far greater than that. Already an anxious child, a shattering event struck the week of my twelfth birthday. My father suffered a massive heart attack and was gone. I remembered having realised a few weeks previous that people do pass away and I became consumed with the idea that I had somehow caused my father’s death by having had that thought. Completely irrational yes, but to a child, quite possible. This was the event which cemented my anxiety issues as I ventured into my teenage years. I had experienced first-hand that sometimes the worst can happen, with absolutely no warning.

Realising the impact anxiety has had on my life has been overwhelming. It cripples you with self-doubt to the point where you question every task you have done that day, or any day. It’s very much like having a devil on your shoulder critiquing you, constantly. If I allow it even a second to scream its absurd accusations I will more often than not spiral. This can happen within seconds and I can feel the sense of panic well up inside me. The more you listen to it and try to fight it the more power you give it and it becomes a vicious cycle until you are left in a complete state of terror.

Physically, sheer exhaustion, potential migraines and bouts of insomnia are all possible results. After I have had an anxiety spiral I feel completely withdrawn, meek and defeated. You retreat to a shadow of your former self and it can take days if not weeks to fully recover.  Anxiety consumes you as it lingers in the background waiting to catch you off guard and it has affected my confidence hugely as well as my work life and past relationships. It can also be difficult to explain to loved ones who have to deal with my sometimes over-powering fears. Every minute detail is crucial to my anxiety and I will often have to relive a situation in my mind, or go through every word of a conversation several times before finally standing up to the bully.

Although I deal with anxiety everyday it has become a lot more manageable now than it ever was in the past. Something I found difficult to accept was that anxiety is part of me and it’s not going to pack its bags any time soon. Initially I thought okay, I’ll do X, Y and Z and it will be gone, not how anxiety works. Trial and error helped me distinguish between what increased and reduced my anxiety levels.

Developing as much self-awareness as possible, in all areas of my life, has enabled me to overcome the suffocating effects of intense anxiety. Walking, writing, self-compassion and learning to concentrate on breathing techniques are just some of the tools I use to combat it.  I also learned to never underestimate the connection between your physical and mental wellbeing. Physical health is imperative for good mental health. The key things which have really allowed me to progress are, taking the time to learn about myself, how to forgive myself and not berate myself for past events. Lastly, recognising what outlets work for me but most importantly, making the time to do them has also proved vital. Often we will know what activities make us feel better but it can be difficult to make them a priority.

Anxiety can be intimidating when you don’t understand it and what triggers it. Once you figure out what it is that provokes your anxiety you will feel much more self-confident in tackling it. Arming yourself with that knowledge is crucial to putting the bully back in its box!