In this article, Ruth is sharing her own personal experience with using medication to treat OCD. Many people find medication very helpful, and for others, they find other routes to be more helpful, or complimentary to medication. As with all medications, some people experience side effects to varying degrees of severity. If you are on any medication for a mental health issue, please do not stop taking it without medical advice and supervision. Consult your doctor if you have any concerns about taking any kind of medication for your mental health. If you need to talk to someone, there are contact details for support services at the end of this article.
This is just my story, it’s a rare case but I just felt the need to share. I’ve heard a lot of other people are on SSRI’s too for depression and anxiety. It’s never something I hear other people really talk about.
In general I’m a fierce messer and a typical Irish extravert. Last summer I started to become a shell of this person, I rarely laughed, painted (arts is a huge part of my life), chatted, I was mean and never went out. I let my thoughts turn into a negative cycle of behaviour which turned me into a person I didn’t even recognise.
I’ve written here before about my OCD (trichotillomania), Anxiety and Depression. I‘m not going to bore you with details of all that. The reason I’m telling you these things is because my story might resonate with people who suffer with these things as well. My social anxiety became so bad over the last few months that I developed slight agoraphobia where I was afraid to leave me house. Social anxiety is a new thing to me and I’m learning to learn how to deal with it in the best way that I can.
SSRI’s (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors)
I started SSRI’s for depression and anxiety attacks in August 2018. I had been on them a month or so, but my social anxiety had developed into Agoraphobia. This was not like depression, I have been living with depression for twenty years and this was very, VERY different. This type of fear looked you square in the eyes and made you fear the simplest and easiest of tasks. Not many people knew about it because I’m extraverted and very good at hiding things in plain sight. I could hide all that I liked but I was finding my anxiety was getting out of hand. I had to face this fear dead on… whether I wanted to or not.
Brain fog & Shame
When brain fog hits you, you feel like a babbling idiot. When I get it, I’m barely able to think, I find it hard to listen and sometimes my hands don’t work. This began to escalate. I became ashamed of myself and didn’t want to leave the house. On the worst days I couldn’t leave my room. I couldn’t go down to make a cup of coffee or even eat. If I had to leave my house it would take me hours to ‘talk myself’ into it. I wouldn’t even mind, but I’m actually a very social person and this went against the needs of my personality. I was getting worse although I was religiously taking my medication. I was going to yoga and trying with kindness (to myself) to get back into the world. I wasn’t getting better no matter how hard I tried and JESUS did I try!
I decided the only thing for it was to go back to the Doctor. I told him nothing was working and it was getting harder and harder to control my anxiety. It was taking over life. If you have ever seen the film venom, that is what it felt like. It was growing over me like a thick black skin and had an angry voice that tried to make me hate myself and everyone around me. I didn’t want to live this way anymore and I was determined to fix it whatever it took! After this appointment I was sent for a second opinion by a psychologist. I was told to double my dosage of SSRI’s to treat OCD, my anxiety and depression.
A&E
One day I got this nervous twitch or tic, out of nowhere! I talked to a few professionals and they said it could be shock from my uncle recently dying. I waited a few days but it got worse. One day it suddenly came on so strong and it wouldn’t stop, no matter how hard I tried. It had become a constant movement, head to right shoulder and back up then the same again over and over. Lights, sounds and people triggered it. I went to my GP and was referred with a letter to A&E. Every doctor was puzzled. They kept me on a trolley for the night. I was to be assessed by neurology and psychology in the morning. I was told that it wasn’t medical and some said I was wasting their time in A&E because it was medical. I had not slept all night, my twitch had gotten worse and I was barley holding it together. The tiny thread keeping me together was humour. I tried to crack a joke here and there. I tried to see any funny thing that occurred while I was on that trolley. I needed to laugh.
Neurology said that it wasn’t neurological, it was most likely a side effect of my medication or psychological. Psychology told me it would be impossible to tell whether it was a psychological reaction or side effects. I was advised to stop taking the medication to see. It’s been nearly a month since that night in A&E. I went straight off my medication as advised by the doctors and was offered counselling but it didn’t start until February. They said I could call them, but only if I was suicidal. I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s been a hard month. My mental health has gotten so bad I have pulled out all of my eyebrows. Honestly I’d rather have no eyebrows than a head twitch I can’t control.
I have now fully recovered from Agoraphobia. I didn’t recover from medication, if anything it was a huge setback for me and my mental health. I didn’t recover with counselling because I’m still waiting to be seen. I recovered because of my strong will and determination.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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