At only 19 I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and more recently with an Anxiety Disorder.
Breaking down recently was the best thing to happen to me: it made me stronger. I think my illness may have been underlying for quite some time as I was always a very shy child, very close to my mother, very insecure.
Throughout my teenage years, although I socialised a lot, I never felt I fit in. After years of being insecure, there is one chapter of my mental health that always stands out.
I was only 15/16 and went on a holiday with my brother recently after a death in the family – without my parents. Long story short, one day I wanted to just be alone. My brother and co. went off on a day trip. I stayed in with this overwhelming feeling of sadness, unlike anything I had experienced at that age. At this stage, I was not even aware of what depression was. But there I lay, covered in tears and sweat, and something took over.
All I wanted was the pain to stop. I don’t know why, but something took me to the bathroom to bang my head against the wall until I passed out. When my brother and friends came back I disguised the cut on my head as feeling unwell and fainting, banging my head on the way.
Looking back now, was that my first introduction to self-harm?
Nothing much happened after that until early 2014. I got a spell out of nowhere, constant sadness, vulnerability. I will never forget the feelings. Alone, hurt, pain, fear. Thankfully I didn’t hide this for too long. I reached out to my family for help.
I was put on medication and set up with counselling. The balance of both of these helped. Helped me through all the pain and scars. Time passed, I stuck out college, fell in love, socialised, thought I was happy. So I foolishly thought I was ‘cured’. I jetted off on a summer abroad with my partner and friends. Little did I know this was a huge mistake. I needed my family, my counsellor, my home. Alcohol began to be my medicine, cigarettes my stress release. As I’m sure you all know – Anti depressants and alcohol DO NOT go well together. I broke friendships, I broke my mental health.
After 3 short months, that felt like a lifetime, me and my partner returned home. I knew my mind was not okay. I returned to counselling, and altered medication. I’m not going to bore you all with details, but it was a long journey. Through my counselling and reading a lot I learned amazing coping strategies to help the bad days. I have a love for music and writing so any spare time was spent making and writing music. Tattoos were my saviour towards my self-harm. It may sound strange but the pain of tattoos helped my mind fight off the urge to harm myself, helped make my scars beautiful, it was my safe place.
I continued to work throughout my struggles. Job after job I couldn’t understand why I was never truly ‘happy’. 2 years later, brings me to now.
I left work, I felt it was too much for me. I’ve came to grips that this was the best thing for me. I took a break before I broke.
I am now a fashion blogger and writer. I still spend time making music. And of course spend time learning how to cope.
A lot of people don’t see mental illnesses.
Many of us put on a front, as I previously have.
But I still battle every single day.
It is a constant battle, but one I’m finally ready to brace.
My aim in my life now is to open up, speak out about these ‘invisible illnesses’ in hope that our country can change. That we can live in a nation where we stop judging, stop tearing each other apart.
How many more loved ones can we see lose their lives before we make a change! I have faith in Ireland, we are getting to a place where mental health is spoken about more, but not quite enough.
So I ask, I beg, if you see a change in someone – talk to them. Let them know you’re there to listen. I only wish when I was young and hurting that I had a hand to hold, someone I could just spill my thoughts to. Someone to help me fight my demons. Luckily I did eventually open up, but not everyone does. I am lucky enough to have an amazing mother and now fiancé who help me on a daily basis to fight through this life. But there are always charities and families that are happy to listen and help you, you won’t know unless you try.
In every dark night, there is a bright light.
Never Give Up,
Never Surrender
Never Loose Hope.
Adam.