Hiding behind altruism

Apparently, I’m “a rock”. According to a litany of family members, friends, ex-girlfriends, I share many of the same properties as a slab of granite or a lump of marble. They see me as being almost impervious to pressure and able to take on the load-bearing duties of those who struggle to carry their own hod. I’m the guy you go to when you have a problem and need someone to help shoulder the burden or fix it. Why do they see me this way? Because I’ve spent almost my entire life playing that role. Not only that I’ve actively sought out and pursued difficulties to resolve.

I’m now 38. I’d always known I took on too much but it wasn’t until the mid-point of the 36th year of my life that I realised what drove me to constantly seek out and appropriate other people’s problems. As with so many things in life the answer is a complex one but to condense it down in to two words; insecurity and fear.

A crippling lack of self-confidence led me to believe that if I wasn’t “that guy” if I wasn’t “the rock” I would have no value. No purpose in life. What could I possibly offer those around me if I couldn’t fix their problems for them? I saw myself as having precious few genuine talents or skills but the one thing I could offer was hardiness.

Through a process of therapy and slowly delving deeper and deeper into my core value system I began to understand that this wasn’t just about my lack of self-worth. I was also using it as an excuse to avoid having to face myself and one simple question – what the hell am I if I’m not a rock?! Finding solutions to other people’s trials and tribulations gave me the perfect justification to keep kicking that pebble down the road. After all, I told myself ‘I’m such a good guy for helping everyone else I deserve to postpone that conversation’. Even if it was one that I only had to have with myself.

To be completely honest I’d always known on some level that the person I was, the one who felt energised by the gratitude of others, wasn’t the tower of strength people saw him as but a man who was slowly eroding and crumbling under the weight of expectation.

Then came the realisation that while I gave a lot to other people in terms of time, energy and strength I was also taking away. I was removing their opportunity to gain confidence and strength from resolving their own issues. It’s a textbook example of co-dependency. This moment of clarity was less of a lightbulb moment and much more akin to being hit with the proverbial brick. I knew I had to make changes, I knew they would be terrifying and disturbing but without change, things stay the same and I was burnt out from being me. I was so utterly exhausted I was barely functioning let alone living.

I came to learn that the reality of setting boundaries is that people often feel as if you’re pushing them away or cutting them off. The truth is that your attempt to set more healthy parameters for any type of relationship is an effort to try and maintain a connection just on healthier terms for all concerned but it is unrealistic to expect everyone to understand that fact.

The last two years have seen some people exit my life and although it’s sorrowful initially I came to appreciate that in order to grow as an individual I couldn’t keep hiding behind altruism and using the fact I was so busy coping with other people’s problems to avoid facing the reality of my low self-esteem and sense of being lost. Another brick in the face moment was the acceptance that if someone only wants you in their life to remedy their own emotional or practical obligations they aren’t a true friend or lover at all.

Making the transition was painful, raw and at times almost unbearable. Such a widespread challenge and change to my core beliefs was never going to be easy.

At this point in my life, I certainly don’t have all the answers. I probably have more questions now than I ever had but they are conundrums I’m excited to find the answers to. Facing myself is one of the toughest things I’ve had to do but at this instant it is the definitive moment in my journey to becoming the best version of myself.

I’ll always be the person who answers “yes” to a request for help but I’m now learning to do it on healthier terms. I’m learning that boundaries aren’t just ok – they are essential. I’ve learned the hard way that even a rock can be crushed if the load its bearing is too much. And above all, I’ve learned that by turning to stone I can become a hammer, not only to my own future but that of those I love and care about. Helping another human being in their time of need is a wonderful thing and one the world could certainly benefit more from but the importance of not crossing the line between helping and be pathologically altruistic has never been clearer to me.

So as we move into 2020 and a new decade I can feel myself becoming less of a rock and more of a nut or seed. I’m still tough and resilient but there is now so much potential for growth.