Last year, while working in what I thought was the quintessential ‘dream job’ in the film and TV industry, something overcame me – I lost all hope, felt a constant anxiety looming over me, and was struggling to function. I was living in Dublin at the time and suddenly packed all of my belongings, left my job and came back to my home place in a state of fear, confusion and misery. What the hell was wrong with me? I went in to a deep depression; the worst I’ve ever gone through, barely able to leave my room, let alone the house, crippled with overwhelming grief, panic and terror. I then felt all the worse because no one around me understood what was going on, so was completely isolated, living in a space of shame.
When I eventually started to get the help that I needed from a professional psychologist, I learned that this and similar but lesser instances that had gone before it, was all a consequence of unhealed traumas.
When I was a little girl of about 3 years old, my mother and father both worked full time and so I had to be cared for by a childminder. I was handed over day after day, over a series of months to a young woman who physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abused me. These are my first memories. It took place at a time in my life that was essential to my development as a human being. This all happened in our home where my family and I continued to live, with this woman as our neighbour. Not the most fertile ground from which one might flourish. I never felt safe, I never felt okay; but of course I didn’t – who could?
Throughout my life the wounds created by this rocky start were further increased by instances of bullying, scapegoating and the sudden tragic loss of my Dad; the one person in my life who without question, was unconditionally supportive, empathetic and understanding. So what’s a girl to do?
I ran. I ran from jobs, different locations, romantic relationships, friends, family, all the while suffering from intense Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and social anxiety. I had no self confidence and hardly any sense of self worth. I kept on running but it all followed me. The more I suppressed it and denied it, the more it screamed – it got louder and louder, and so I couldn’t run away from it any longer.
I realised that by not confronting, understanding and healing old wounds, I was attracting people, situations and environments in to my life that mirrored my internal struggle and further perpetuated the pain and issues from those wounds. I would experience triggers, flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks; during which I was so confused and scared, not understanding that it was all a result of unhealed traumas. I felt very lonely in it all; surrounded by people that didn’t understand, and frankly didn’t want to understand. In receiving therapy now and looking at it all, I have gained so much clarity and insight.
If I had not taken a step back from my busy life and taken the time to seek professional help, I know that I would continue to attract these wound-perpetuating elements in to my life today and the old patterns would continue, or worse.
My catalyst for change was a dark night of the soul. Despite the fact that I now realise this was a necessary evil, I still feel shame around it. While knowing that anyone that would have walked in my shoes would have gone through the same torment, why do I still feel shameful?
Stigma, society, old religious indoctrination, unhealthy limited beliefs that have been forced on us that create shame for being in any way weak, imperfect, HUMAN. Isn’t it ridiculous. Isn’t that in itself absolute insanity.
I think that the more we each face our individual issues and the more understanding and accepting we are of ourselves and our struggles, then the more compassion we can start to have for others also.
Right now, I don’t feel safe about being open with everyone about my past, because of the limited, labelling attitudes that I have witnessed around me. So for the time being I will continue to work on overcoming my struggles, healing my wounds, all the while learning, and as a result hopefully help others in a similar way in the future.
So please, if like me you feel you have been running away from whatever needs to be faced – be honest with yourself. Try to be compassionate with yourself and accepting of your humanness and start helping yourself and your mental health needs. You are SO worth it; you just have to realise it. I used to think I wasn’t worth much, but since I have started on my journey of healing I have started to love and care for myself and as a result I’m attracting people in to my life who are understanding, aware, awakened; invaluable people whom I am learning from and connecting with and resonating with. It is so refreshing and comforting. There’s a lot of work yet to be done, but I’ll get there – you can get there too.
If my story resonates with you in any way, below is a pdf that might appeal to you. It’s a summary of my journey and what I’m finding helpful.
Click the image below to view
If you or someone you know needs support as a result of being sexually abused, contact One in Four – Sexual abuse. From surviving to living. oneinfour.ie