Zoe Alicia is an ambassador with See Change and is sharing her story in support of the Green Ribbon project this May. For more information check out greenribbon.ie.
I grew up in the countryside. Rolling green hills, farmyard after farmyard, lakes in the middle of valleys, and animals everywhere. It was idyllic; the type of Ireland tourists would pay to experience. I never appreciated the beauty and peacefulness of where I lived growing up. To me, the quiet was a sign that I was left out. It was in this setting that my mental health story began.
As a kid I always felt different. I didn’t know quite what it was; I could never put my finger on it. I remember being three/four years old sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car trying to convince everyone I was an alien.
“Why do you say that?” a voice from the front seat asks.
“Because I’m not like everyone else.”
At 12 years old I started secondary school with high hopes of a new journey. I had found the last year of primary school isolating and I knew I was unhappy. Secondary school offered the chance of a fresh start. But it didn’t last long.
Throughout my time in secondary school, I was mocked for my appearance. I was teased over my acne, my weight, my psoriasis, my eczema, my nose, how I walked and how I talked. These were things that I had no control over. And yet they singled me out for ridicule. When it came to academics, the very thing we are in school for, I was again teased for my early achievements. Those A results quickly fell to C’s and D’s. I ended up having to cheat to pass tests. I failed exams.
I briefly started to self-harm in my Junior Cert year. I was angry and stressed and I remember hoping my mum would notice. I wanted someone to notice that I was not okay.
My classmates reinforced my sense of feeling different. They told me and showed me and others my differences. I became deeply unhappy. At home, with my family, I was safe. Elsewhere, my life felt like a battleground.
At 18 I had to leave my safe place and move out to study at university. Again, I built this up as a fresh start; a chance to start over and get things right this time.
My move to university triggered a severe depressive episode. I had thought studying would give me a fresh start – a chance to be liked. But I had to leave my safe place for the city. I missed home and my family. They had been the only thing keeping me sane in school.
I stopped eating and sleeping. I stopped being able to study. I couldn’t concentrate or focus. I lost interest in my subjects and lacked motivation. I didn’t care about my appearance; turning up to the odd class I did attend unshowered and in stained clothing. This wasn’t how I had built up university in my head. Where were my friends? Where was the fun that everyone else seemed to be having?
I wanted to disappear. I began to self-harm again, and my thoughts turned to suicide.
Eventually, I turned up to a GP office sobbing my heart out and begging for help. At 18 years old I was diagnosed with severe depression. I saw a psychiatrist, was put on medication and started going to counselling.
For so long I had thought that there was something wrong with me. That I was made wrong. That I would never be able to experience happiness. My diagnosis changed everything because I learned it wasn’t me, it was an illness.
I never felt like I belonged anywhere until I started treatment for my illness. Between the professional help and support I received and the tools I self-taught or learned from friends (yes, I did make friends after I sought help) I started to recover. The cloud of unease, fear and alienation I felt started to pass. It’s not an easy route. And today, six years later, I am not ‘better’. But I am in recovery.
My mental health story started when I was 12, maybe earlier. And I had no idea what was wrong with me. Today I know that there is hope. And I know that there is hope for you too. Don’t keep it inside and bottle it up. Talk to a friend, a family member, a GP, or just someone you trust. Sometimes all we need is a little help.
Help information
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House 01 601 0000 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide, self-harm)
- Teen-Line Ireland 1800 833 634 (for ages 13 to 19)
- Childline 1800 66 66 66 (for under 18s)
- yourmentalhealth.ie
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
- National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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