Thanks to the writer of this personal story for emailing it in to A Lust for Life. She felt it important to express from her side how difficult she found it, and still finds it, to cope with her husband who has an addiction to gambling but won’t acknowledge it or get help. This is her story.
People wonder how I never knew that my husband owed so much, when everyone else was talking about him behind my back. In fact that’s how it became a reality, my family and friends heard and then broke the news to me. I was just one year married, saving extremely hard for a home. I thought he was too. The signs were there, I had just become so used to them that they weren’t as blatant as somebody looking from the outside in.
The day I was told by my parents, I had already confronted him and told him that I thought he had gambling problems. He had won a substantial amount and in less than a week it was gone. There were other issues prior to this that had built up and so when this happened it clicked into place. I was so used to dealing with things alone, not wanting to change other people’s perception of him that I was silently trying to come to terms with this when my parents broke the news.
Basically, he had been borrowing from each of them secretly, using me as an excuse. They thought they were helping their daughter be treated well but in reality my marriage wasn’t what I expected and I was constantly managing difficult moneys issues. He always had reasonable explanations as to what was causing them.
I confronted him with my parents and discovered that there were many big loans. Of course I was upset and angry but rationale kicked in and I did what I thought was right. I withdrew all my savings and paid off any loan that wasn’t to an institution. He was grateful he said, only wanted us to be happy and this had been causing him so much stress over months. He promised things would get better and in my naïveté I thought things would be okay.
Soon after, more debt was discovered and I seemed to have to cope with bad news every other week. I felt near a break down. My husband tried getting extra work to pay off the debt but to be honest I think he just wanted an escape. I was left alone to manage everything, deal with all the normal marriage issues on top of money problems. I withdrew into myself, with work colleagues commenting on how I wasn’t myself. I only wanted to be around people who knew our secret. I’d beg for my husband to be at home spending time with me but when he would eventually come back I didn’t want to be with him. I felt incredibly trapped by the vows I once craved for. “In sickness and in health” after all. My husband has a disease and I just wanted to fix him.
When I discovered he was still gambling I begged him go to gamblers anonymous. I started attending gam-anon, the support group for families. This went on for a few weeks but I don’t think he was actually attending meetings when he told me he was. I found gam-anon good but I also resented the fact that I had to lose out on an evening a week due to his “problem” when I had already given so much.
It was around this time that I started crying to and from work. I couldn’t understand why. I knew I wasn’t happy but nothing specific was triggering it. As soon as I’d start the car the tears would fall until I reached my destination. Sometimes at home they’d continue. I stayed this way for about two weeks. I think it was the hope of a new year ahead that pushed me through Christmas. I put all my faith into it.
About four weeks into the new year we separated. The addiction had changed my husband so much from the person I fell in love with, from the person I wanted to be with, that I had to give in. When I made the decision it really was like a weight lifted. I was no longer looking after the both of us, I just had to worry about myself.
He said he wanted to fix things, that he loved me. All I asked was for him to attend meetings regularly and work on getting better but he told me he couldn’t do that. He didn’t have a gambling problem. He just had a money management problem. To me this basically meant, I don’t love you enough to try. It was (and still is) a big kick in the teeth to know that he doesn’t feel like I’m worth enough to try. I fought for years to keep us together and he couldn’t fight to get himself better.
He thinks that if he doesn’t actually gamble that there’s no issue. The funny thing is that the money is only part of the addiction. In a way you can deal with it to a certain extent as there are more important things than money. The other parts that affect people with relationships with compulsive gamblers are the lies, manipulation, selfishness and moods. I was constantly lied to, left waiting for him to arrive home or at events. Being told money was owed to us by people instead of him owing them. Turning me against people so that I never found out the real truths. Making me feel like I’m mean because I’m good with money and that I need to relax more with our savings (so that I wouldn’t find out about his debt).
Everyone else was a priority to him bar his wife. This really hurt. He was constantly leaving me on my own to help other people, so that he was seen as such a lovely guy. Also he could use some of this time to go place bets. His moods constantly changed. He would go from happy to angry to depressed. I still never know which person I’m getting when I talk to him at times. There are so many sides.
I’m separated a good while now but yet I’m still trying to heal from this myself. People ask why I still attend gam-anon when he’s not in my life as much. It’s not for him, it’s for me. Through being with him I became a different person. I am trying to get back to being as close to myself as I can. I cry for the person I was, the marriage I dreamt of since I was little but mostly the husband I lost. I fell in love with a charming, funny and kind man not this selfish, spiteful and hurtful man that took his place.
The people in my group give me support as many have been through similar and worse. Just knowing I’m not going crazy, like how he told me I was over the years, brings me solace. I’m very lucky I have a good support group in family, friends and colleagues. They bare with me as I break down every other week. I am hoping soon that I will come to terms with my life and embrace the fact that I have a second chance.
For more information on Gamblers Anonynous, go to gamblersanonymous.ie
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