Fu@k you eating disorder

When are you thin enough to have an eating disorder? How bad does it have to get?

Well, let me make it easy for you. Don’t look at the size of your clothes; don’t body check; don’t compare yourself to others; don’t do any of that.

Instead, I want you to imagine me putting a plate full of bread in front of you. Now, what if I told you that you had to eat it all, right now? What’s your reaction? Panic? Fear? Disgust? Anger? Is your pulse racing? Are a million questions running through your head? Are you trying to calculate how many calories are in each slice and multiplying it by the number of slices? Are you thinking about what you’ll do afterwards? Or are you already coming up with counter-offers so that you can get out of having to eat it?

Think of your response. Notice how your body and your mind react to this scenario. If you panicked in any way or became uneasy by the thought of eating this bread, you may have a difficult relationship with food.

And that is what an eating disorder is. It’s not “looking skinny”, “fitting into a certain size” or “getting down to a certain weight”. It’s an unhealthy relationship with food. It doesn’t matter what size you are. It ultimately comes down to that one question – would you have a problem if I gave you a plate of bread to eat? Your reaction to that one question will tell you an awful lot.

If you’re reading this article, it might mean that you are struggling with food or you know someone who is. First off, to the people who are suffering from an eating disorder (whether its anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating or an EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), I’m so so sorry you are struggling with this. My heart truly goes out to you. But believe me, recovery is possible and you can get through it. To those who know someone who has an eating disorder, thank you for reading this and for taking the time to try to understand. That is what your son/daughter, sister/brother, friend needs the most. Understanding.

So what’s it all about?

What purpose does it serve? What does it give you? Ask yourself this question. Your eating disorder is doing something:

Are you punishing yourself for something? Something you said or did? If so, what?

Are you rejecting your body? If so, why?

Are you trying to repress feelings/emotions/thoughts/memories that are coming up for you? If so, what are they and why do you feel the need to protect yourself from them?

Are you trying to communicate something with it? If so, what?

Are you trying to put some distance between you and other people in your life? Do you need space from others? If so, who and why?

Are you trying to find just one thing in your life which you have a say in and which you can control?

Are you avoiding something? Fears about the future? What you’re doing with your life? Family pressures and tensions?

These are just a couple of examples but ask yourself these questions. They are important. Listen to your body and mind and focus on what is coming up for you.

For me, it was a culmination of all these things. I was in my twenties; I had finished university and was settling into a very competitive, demanding career. There were long hours, you were expected to be the best, look the best, get extra qualifications and fuelled by my own high expectations and social media posts, I felt the need to “win” at life. There was a lot of pressure. There was also illness in the family, bad relationships and some pretty bad memories which kept resurfacing for me. With no outlet for all this fear, pain and anger, I basically internalised it. I beat up my body through exercise; I starved myself so that I would feel numb; I self-harmed so that I could punish myself and try to express some of the visceral feelings which kept coming up for me, and I cried and wished for death every day.

I look back on that time and it often brings tears to my eyes. I was in so much pain. I felt so alone and was so lost. I was trapped in this vicious cycle of purging and over-exercising and I couldn’t stop. It just seemed to get worse and worse every day and there was no end in sight. Every time I came close to the finishing line, it was pulled further away from me.

Over the years, as I succumbed to this cruel illness, my body became more and more depleted and pretty soon I was barely able to function. My bones literally ached with every movement I made. My breath was strained. My mind was spaced and sometimes my vision became blurry. I found it difficult to speak and it was impossible for me to engage with anyone. It was all too exhausting and too demanding on my body. I didn’t even have the energy or the impetus to plaster a smile on my face and pretend that everything was okay anymore, well, because it wasn’t okay None of it was okay. And deep down, I knew this.

And that’s what happened. My eating disorder started out as a coping mechanism but ended up being more like a demon inside my head that would not relent. You had to obey its rules. You couldn’t make an exception for birthdays, holidays, Christmas. You always had to bend to its will. And it was soul destroying. I never laughed. I never smiled. I never met up with friends or family. Honestly I was just trying to make it from one day to another.

So what changed?

It was the knowledge that every day would be like this. Every day I would wake up with this heavy weight over me. I had to do a certain amount of exercise. I couldn’t stop during the day – not even for a cup of tea if I was cold. And each night, I would collapse into bed and know that I would have to start at square one the next day and repeat the same routine all over again. It was relentless. There was nothing more to my life. No room for friends. No room for love. No room for the chance of a happy life. So I began to ask myself, what could I have possibly done to deserve this? Why was I punishing myself like this? Other people were able to go out and meet people for coffee, sit in on a cold night and watch a movie, meet up for a movie and get some popcorn, go out on a night out and laugh for absolutely no reason until their stomach hurt. Why couldn’t I?

It was when I started to question my eating disorder that I began to see the cracks in its logic. So I continued to question it. I began asking myself what I wanted out of life. I began fighting back, reclaiming my own voice, taking back my own control. I wasn’t living for anyone or anything anymore. I was living for me. I was beginning to look at myself with kinder and more compassionate eyes. I was forgiving myself for my failures in the past and vowing to keep my head up and try again.

I was fighting back. And in the end, I won. I silenced that voice inside that told me I was unlovable. I said it was wrong when it told me I was useless, pathetic, weak, a waste of blood and other horrible things (that you would never say to anyone else). I began to talk to a wonderful counsellor who understood me and who never judged me and taught me that all the feelings and thoughts I was having were merely a symptom of a very cruel mental illness. I opened up to my mum about what was happening. I began to express myself. If I felt angry, I said I was angry. If I was upset, I allowed myself to be upset. I expressed whatever emotion was inside of me and then I moved on. I no longer suppressed my feelings. I didn’t internalise it and take it out on myself. I found a healthy way to express it. I talked about it. I drew. I wrote in my diary. And it really helped.

What’s life like without the eating disorder?

It’s been four years since I sought recovery from my eating disorder, so what’s my life like now? Honestly, there’s no comparison! I met the love of my life three years ago and got married to him last year. We sit in at night and cook for each other. We watch movies and go out to see family and have game nights with them. We have fun, we laugh and I meet up with friends for coffee and chats whenever I can. I can be in work and someone brings in some chocolate and I allow myself to have some if I feel like it. I don’t think about and worry about it after I eat it, I just get on with my day.

Sure there are days when I look in the mirror and say “ugh my tummy’s sticking out” but I don’t let it destroy my day. It doesn’t take over my life anymore and I don’t allow it to. Life is so much more than worrying about these things. I always used to say to myself if I was having a bad day, how do you want people to remember you and think about you? Will you known as someone who helps others and who brings a smile to their faces? Will you be known as someone with a good and kind heart? Will you be known as someone who is very brave and who conquered their fears? Will you be known as someone who has an infectious laugh and who is great fun to be around? Will you be known as someone others can trust and who is loyal and kind? Or do you want to be known for being able to fit into a size 6/8/10?

You’re so much more than a size. You’re so much more than your eating disorder. It does not define you. It does not own you. You are not weird or lazy or self-indulgent for having this illness. If you binge, you are not greedy or glutinous. You are doing the best you can – everyone is! Try not to be so hard on yourself. Try not to judge yourself or put yourself down. You are unique. You have a lot to give this world. You can make a difference and most of all you can be happy. You deserve to be. Reclaim your life. Reclaim your voice. Seek help from a counsellor and a trusted friend/family member and please be patient with yourself. You may have setbacks (I certainly did) but remember; you fall down 7 times, but stand up 8!

You’re not alone with this. You CAN recover from this. You CAN do it. So please don’t give up. There are better days ahead. Trust me, I’ve experienced it.

Colette Murphy is the author of FUED (F*** You Eating Disorder) which you can purchase here from Amazon.

If you are suffering with an eating disorder, please get the help you deserve and contact bodywhys.ie or find a counsellor to talk to in your local area:

• iacp.ie
• iahip.org
• counsellingdirectory.ie