Thanks to the A Lust for Life reader who emailed us in their story. “I wanted to share my story with A Lust for Life readers with the hope that it could support other people out there who might be going through a tough time like I did. Thanks for reading”.
As a young teenager I began to feel sensitive and quite different from others. As time went on I had these feelings of never being good enough. Although I tried to push these feelings down repeatedly, they resurfaced along the years in many different ways. I felt I was different and so was always wanting to prove to others my worth. I lost my sense of self and my soul was becoming lost in a box. I was often told ‘cop on to yourself’ or ‘get a grip’ so again I believed I was wrong. I couldn’t understand these feelings so I just carried on.
Years passed and in my twenties I was feeling very low. I ended up having an accidental fall in which my both legs were shattered and my spine fractured. While this was an accident, I was also feeling deeply alone inside. The truth be known when I reflected on what happened while in hospital for the next few months, I was in a bad place. I didn’t want to admit how I was feeling as I felt I would have hurt other people.
I remember waking up from my operation and I was in very much pain. A letter was on my stomach when I awoke and I did not know who it was from or why. I opened it and it was a poem by a stranger who had written “I see you in pain and want you to know that you are beautiful and worth a place in this world”. I cried and cried and cried. It touched my heart to the core. I later found out this letter had been placed by a relative of one of the patients in my ward. I felt not judged, but understood. My parents were also a huge support through my recovery.
My journey back to life was difficult and hard work. I was fine for a few months and again I pushed my soul into a box as I thought ‘ah sure I’m grand now’. However what I should have done was to accept what I had gone through, where I was now, and to do everything in my power to heal. I had my first psychotherapy session in the hospital a few months after the accident and I did not return. I had waited in the ward of the psychiatric department and the first thing that came into my head was ‘I don’t need to be here’. I felt uncomfortable. I felt I was labelled as mad. What I know now is that I just needed to be in a more empowering place, not a place where it felt sterile and cold, which is what that ward felt like.
Life moved on I returned to college to complete a four years degree in social care as a single parent. I worked and things came together fine. I completed a Masters in counselling and set a clinic up for the community which was free to the public.
Then bang, I began feeling the old thoughts of not being good enough and comparing myself to others again. This time however I listened to my soul. My soul was telling me to stop, breath, gather myself, and take stock. So I listened.
I took a year out from my work commitments as I had been holding down two jobs. I went to my doctor and made an appointment to see a fantastic counsellor who uses core processing as a way of working with people. It was such an amazing experience because what I had been fighting all the years was in fact my soul calling out to me, telling me to love who I am, that my decisions are fine, my likes and dislikes are fine, that my dreams are fine, that my outlook in life is fine!
My soul was telling me to listen and remain in the moment of who I truly am. This journey has been like an endurance test, but you allow the process to unfold and give gratitude for what you have in life. That really helped me through. You see we are bombarded with who we should be, what we should be to be successful, and really that is society taking our soul away from us.
The strength comes from seeing your true beauty and accepting who you really are without comparison to others. The hard part of the journey is giving yourself permission to do this. Sometimes we fear the idea of not coping, I need to cope, I should cope. But no, when we are not coping that is your soul telling you to return to itself, rejuvenate itself, allowing your spirit time to catch up with yourself.
We all need support when going through tough times and it’s okay. Really okay.
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