Sending out love to everyone struggling with how they feel inside their bodies right now, I know from experience it’s a horrible, lonely & seemingly never ending place to be.
I started dieting when I was 12 writing a note in my diary of the limited foods I would allow myself to eat and drawing a picture of how I wanted to look in a bikini. I spent years and probably 80% of my time thinking about how I looked in a negative way and obsessing over food. In 2014 my obsession led me to stand on stage as a bikini competitor in a body building competition thinking I’d be happy. I wasn’t.
In fact, never in all my changing bodies even at my smallest/leanest/most toned did I ever not hate and want to change a part of myself, because my whole life society had fed me lies about how women should look.
Always something to criticise, my saggy boobs, stretch marks, spider veins, loose skin, cellulite, body hair the list goes on and it’s hard not to be furious that we are made to feel like we’re not enough when what we believe will make us enough doesn’t even exist. Maybe we need to be furious so we can begin changing the story girls & women are told instead of trying to change ourselves.
It’s been one hell of a rollercoaster journey learning to accept (and even love at times) my body, & saying “no more” to dieting has been hard but it has freed up so much energy and space in my life for living and for joy so I’m going to keep working on being friends with myself and the body I live in.
Because I think it’s always going to be a work in progress, recovery of any sort is never linear more of a two steps forward one step back affair and last week I saw my “only wearing underwear” reflection in a changing room mirror for the first time since I stopped trying to control how my body looked with food and exercise.
I was flooded with memories of how I used to live- all the “before” photos I’d take where I look so ashamed of myself. All the “progress” photos which still weren’t good enough. Moving the scales around the house to see where I’d be lighter, spending hours googling the perfect weight loss product, calculating macros and weighing food. Missing nights with friends because I was crying over what to wear. Exercising when I was exhausted. Eating sweets secretly in my car. Depriving myself of so much joy. Thinking that it actually mattered to the people who love me what size I was.
Part of me in that changing room last week wanted to turn away from the mirror, anxiety kicked in and my heart began to race. But instead I looked, put my hand on my rounder than it used to be belly and blew myself a kiss.
Part of me also really wanted to go home and start a new diet, but more of me wanted to stay and keep learning and sharing with others how to love all of ourselves inside & out regardless.
Big Love,
Hannah Lilly
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